Category - Satire

Toddlers Speak Out: The Effectiveness of First Lady Campaigns

Baby-Reading

Because toddlers do not get nearly enough opportunities to voice their opinions about important issues, we at The Laughing Stork decided to give the three-feet-and-under-set such a forum.  This week’s pressing topic is… How effective do you think First Lady campaigns are?

Mia Cooper, 13 Months Old

“Michelle Obama’s fight against childhood obesity really resonated with me.  Now I exercise by swimming in the dog’s water bowl every chance I get.”

Nathan Yardley, 23 Months Old

“They totally work!  Take Nancy Reagan’s anti-drug stance, for example — decades later, we youngesters are still just saying ‘NO!’, like, twenty times a day.  Usually to our parents.”

Dave Cho, 12 Months Old

“I’m a fan of old-school campaigns, like Laura Bush’s literacy drive.  Heck, I’m barely a year old and read Snooki’s book A Shore Thing from cover to cover during snacktime at daycare — and learned that Snooki could benefit from some reading and writing help, herself.  So sad.”

Yahoo! Answers: The World’s Most Reliable Source of Pregnancy and Parenting Information

NailPolishRemover

As a new mother, I have frequently tapped into THE most reliable source of medical advice in the universe: the World Wide Web. Because everybody knows the Internet only dispenses information that is one-hundred-percent accurate.

This is especially true of Yahoo! Answers, where “you can ask questions on any topic and get answers from real people.” In fact, I was so impressed with the insightful questions and breadth of knowledge on this question-and-answer site, that I’ve decided to highlight the true gems in an ongoing column.

(Ed. note: Perhaps she needed something to chase the gasoline she inadvertently chugged at breakfast?)

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Word of the Day: Spill-proof

Spill-Proof

Spill-proof (adj.)

1. A misnomer created by marketers that have never been within a 20-foot radius of a toddler;

2.  A term that should not be confused with “squeeze-proof”;

3.  A product guarantee immediately viewed as a challenge by, er, precocious children;

4.  The reason I had to change my clothes and my daughter’s clothes, as well as stuff the entire stroller in the washing machine this morning.

Sentence usage:

“Look at how drenched your child is! You must have given her a spill-proof smoothie.”

More Storktionary terms…

Kid ready to start playdating again

From around the Web:

Gallagher plans to take it slow and not rush into any art projects.

TAMPA, FL—Despite having been hurt more times than he can count, local kindergartner Kyle Gallagher told reporters this week that he’s finally ready to get out there and start playdating again.

Gallagher, whose last serious relationship ended three months ago, said his decision to meet new children and return to the playdating scene wasn’t easy.

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous—after all, it’s been a while since I’ve played spacemen with someone else,” Gallagher said between small sips from a grape-juice box. “But I just can’t worry about that kind of thing anymore. It’s time to get back on that horse and see what’s out there for me.”

“I mean, I’m almost five and a half,” he added. “I’m not getting any younger.”

According to sources close to Gallagher, the small child has focused on keeping himself busy in recent weeks by drawing pictures of ninjas and searching for hidden treasures in hopes of distracting himself from the pain of his recent breakup.

Continued on The Onion >>

The Joy of Passive-Aggressive Grandmothers

BieberCut

Some grandmothers are known for their warmth, affection and scrumptious oatmeal cookies.  My Grandma Kirby, on the other hand, is known for her aversion to hugs or any kind of family intimacy, really, and habit of giving used gifts (a certified pack rat, I guess she couldn’t bear to throw out the five-year-old tennis balls, old socks or rust-covered earrings — I kid you not — she has so generously passed down to me through the years) and mailing pointed articles she’s ripped from the newspaper to family members in need of her passive-aggressive guidance.  One that immediately springs to mind is an article I received about “the sinful dangers of living together before marriage” when Mr. Candy and I were — you guessed it — sinfully and, evidently, dangerously living together before we got married.  Now, the woman never said a word about her concerns to my face.  Oh no.  She let an advice column from the Arlington Connection do the tsk-tsking for her.  The takeaway:  Mr. Candy was using me for sex.  Which is just ridiculous.  Anybody who really knew us, and the relationship we shared, could see I was the one using HIM for sex.  Duh.

Such is my long-winded explanation of why I have been giggling about this submission to PassiveAggressiveNotes.com:

“My grandmother has been telling my brother that his hair is too long for forever now,” our submitter in Texas writes, “and whenever she criticized his long hair, he’d tell her it was ‘in style.’”  Hello, loophole! Today Grandma left this clipping on the fridge for her grandson to find.

Because if a teenage boy is going to turn to anybody for style advice, it is going to be his grandmother.  (I feel your pain, Seth.)