The Five Stages of Post-Baby Weight Loss
May 16, 2012 | Filed Under: Satire | Tags: Post-Childbirth, Post-Pregnancy
If we were to believe the covers of celebrity gossip rags, then all women magically shed their baby weight within a month and parade around in a bikini shouting, “I GOT MY BODY BACK, B*TCHES!” The reality of the post-baby weight loss journey, however, isn’t always so easy. (Although it sometimes is filled with profanity.) For those wondering what to expect when it comes to tackling those pregnancy pounds, here is a clinical look (by Dr. Candy) at the Five Stages of Post-Baby Weight Loss:
Click on image to enlarge
The Laughing Stork Launches New Line of Toddler-Inspired Bumper Stickers
May 15, 2012 | Filed Under: Satire | Tags: Toddlers
You know those ubiquitous “MY CHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT BLAH-BLAH MIDDLE SCHOOL” bumper stickers? Well, I was giggling at such a sticker the other day when I thought, “How cool would it be if there were bumper stickers celebrating the things my toddler has accomplished?” And then I had another thought: “Oh. Maybe I should concentrate on the road instead of that mini-van’s bumper.”
So here they are: my toddler-inspired bumper sticker concepts, touting my toddler’s achievements (along with other interesting “quirks” and inspiring quotes). I don’t mean to brag, BUT…
Infographic: How Moms Spend Mother’s Day
May 11, 2012 | Filed Under: Satire | Tags: Infographic, Mother's Day
I’ve been telling Mr. Candy for months that all I want for Mother’s Day is a night in a hotel by myself; this might sound selfish and un-motherly to some, but after almost eleven months of waking up every three-to-four hours to feed and hang out with the cutest little insomniac in the world, the gift I most covet is not diamonds or flowers or chocolate chip pancakes, but rather SLEEP.
And then chocolate chip pancakes.
“Okay,” Mr. Candy shrugged in response. “Just tell me where to make the reservation.”
Sweet, right? When push came to shove, however, I chickened out of the Night of Glorious, Glorious Sleep, in part because it seemed silly to spend so much money just to catch some shut-eye, but mostly because I was afraid Mr. Candy wouldn’t wake up when Drew was crying. I swear, Tom Cruise could yell “XENU!” directly in his ear and that slumbering man wouldn’t so much as twitch.
So we’re having brunch by the beach. It may not be glorious, glorious sleep, but it ain’t too shabby either. And maybe I’ll yell “XENU!” in Mr. Candy’s ear when he’s least expecting it, just for giggles. (Hey, I’m tired and it’s Mother’s Day. I deserve a moment of insanity. Or twenty.)
Happy Mother’s Day to all you hot mamas out there! May you get everything you dreamed of and more. Or, at the very least, thirty seconds by yourself in the bathroom.
Hugs, kisses & chocolate chip pancakes,
Candy
p.s. XENU!
Time Magazine Breastfeeding Cover Provokes Harsh Judgment…and Inspires My Own Magazine Covers
May 10, 2012 | Filed Under: In the News, Satire
By now, you’ve surely seen the new Time magazine cover featuring a sensational picture of a woman nursing her nearly four-year-old son and the provocative question, “ARE YOU MOM ENOUGH?” It’s meant to be shocking and it is — but more than anything, it encourages people to once again judge well-meaning moms. From the way we dress our kids and ourselves to how we feed them, everything is scrutinized under the media’s microscope in hopes of sparking debate and driving readers to their sites, magazine stands, what-have-you; never mind that their shameless quest for attention leaves well-intentioned and loving moms feeling insulted, ashamed and inadequate — when all most any of us wants is to raise happy children the best way we know how, ideally without everyone telling us we’re doing it wrong (especially because we care so darn much, making us even more sensitive to criticism). Meanwhile, if a dad is just willing to hang out with his kid, he’s hailed for being the best parent ever.
“Does your husband change diapers?” my hairstylist asked the other day.
“Um, yeah,” I responded with a look that said, “DUH.”
“What a wonderful dad!” she gushed, adding: “My son changes his daughter’s diapers, too. I’m so proud of him.”
Seriously? I don’t know; perhaps I’m the weird one for expecting my husband to change his OWN KIDS’ DIAPERS. Regardless, it’s that double standard that inspired me to create these Time covers imagining how the editors would tackle similar parenting issues when discussing moms versus dads.
A peek:
The Laughing Stork Presents a Heart-Stopping New Game: Frogger — Mom Edition
May 8, 2012 | Filed Under: Games, Satire | Tags: Mom Frogger
Oftentimes when I’m navigating across our living room — and even more so when I’m trying to exit our baby’s room without waking him up — I feel like I’m in a real-life version of the game Frogger, hopping around the myriad toys and books and pieces of furniture in order to avoid the demise of the bottoms of my feet. Or even more heart-stoppingly, to avoid waking up the baby I just finally got to sleep.
How I imagine I look trying to traverse Drew’s nursery in the dark, after putting him asleep again at 11:30 a.m. (and again at 3:30 a.m.):
Of course, even when I manage to sidestep all of the musical toys and other death traps laid out by our two kids, I will oh-so-carefully open the door… only to KICK IT WITH MY FOOT. Loudly. *Sigh*
If Slogans Were Honest About the Parenting Products We Use Every Day
May 7, 2012 | Filed Under: Advertising, Kids' Products, Satire | Tags: baby einstein, BabyBJORN, Huggies, Melissa & Doug
Sometimes, I just wish marketers would be up-front with what we can expect…
Only share this image if you include proper credit and a link to this site. Please and thank you, as my two-year-old would say.
