A new survey by mental health professionals has revealed parents around the country are suffering from a debilitating condition called “Frozen Fatigue” — a condition that makes moms and dads feel like they are going to go ABSOLUTELY INSANE if they have to listen to the Frozen soundtrack one more freakin’ time. (Hey, I enjoyed it the first hundred times, but after that…? I actually told my four-year-old daughter that if she didn’t start using headphones, we were going to have to use her college savings to admit Mommy into a looney bin.) If you believe that you, too, may have fallen victim to this tragic condition, then you will want to familiarize yourself with the warning signs:
Category - Movies
Because mouse parents worry, too…
When our young kids hear the titles of some of the movies up for Best Picture on Sunday, this is probably what they’re imagining…
Rumors are flying about Pixar releasing a fourth installment of Toy Story – and, although Disney claims there is nothing “official” planned, this teaser poster we managed to snag suggests otherwise:
If only the titles told us what to really expect from these kids’ films…
As you may have heard, another Sesame Street movie is in the works — and, although the movie studio has yet to nail down a premise, we at The Laughing Stork have gotten our hands on some of the movie storylines they’ve rejected so far…
1. The Intervention: The Sesame Street gang holds an intervention for Cookie Monster — and forces him to enter an eating disorder clinic to deal with his binge-and-purge tendencies.
2. Fifty Shades of Yellow: Big Bird reveals how he REALLY got his nickname.
When I heard they were making 50 Shades of Grey into a movie, I had what I believe was a very reasonable reaction: “NOOOOOOOOOO! WHY, LORD, WHY?” I cried as I crumbled to my knees.
This is a trilogy meant to be read, not viewed or heard. Not only because nothing on-screen can compare to women’s vivid imaginations, but also because even Meryl Streep couldn’t deliver lines like, “Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one” without the audience falling into a collective heap of hysterics. So I buried my head in the sand and, much like I do when my daughter yells things about EATING MOMMY’S BUTT! in the middle of Target, I pretended this whole thing wasn’t happening.
But alas, it is. It really, really is. And there are approximately ten-million-and-two articles about “DREAM CASTING FOR ’50 SHADES’ MOVIE!” to jackhammer that point into my thick skull over and over again. Much like Christian Grey jackhammers — well, you know where I’m going with this.
If they are going to insist this is “mommy porn,” as so many reporters and marketers out there do, then I, as a said “mommy,” feel it is my maternal duty to offer my two cents’ about who they cast in this sure-to-be-Oscar-winner. Because once I pulled my head out of the sand and checked out the actors other sites were suggesting? I was all, “OH, HELL NO!” 35-year-old Alexander Skarsgård as Christian Grey? 27-year-old Scarlett Johansson as Anastasia Steele? 54-year-old Sharon Stone as Mrs. Robinson? Did these people even read the trilogy? ‘Cause here’s the thing about the main players: They are all YOUNG. Very, very young. Christian is 27; Anastasia is 21; and dominant cougar extraordinaire, Mrs. Robinson, aka Elena Lincoln, is actually only in her late 30s.
That’s not to say that Casting can’t take creative license with their choices. But they don’t have to — not if they pursue CANDY’S DREAM CASTING FOR ’50 SHADES’ MOVIE!
Here they are, Casting folks: the actors you should be courting for this flick, along with why they fulfill important aspects of their respective characters.
What I expected from this movie based on the trailer and posters: A lot of cringing and eye-rolls.
What I got: A few genuine chuckles, some unexpected tears and only a couple of eye-rolls (thanks to the ridiculous caricature of a pregnant woman that Brooklyn Decker had the misfortune of playing).
I was invited to attend an advance screening of the star-laden What to Expect When You’re Expecting last night. Obviously, they were trying to inject some megawatt glamour to the screening by having me attend. Also, I suspect they just needed some more butts in the theater seats. Whatever the reason, you parents out there know what ran through my mind the second I read the e-mail: Woo-hoo! A chance to see a movie in AN ACTUAL MOVIE THEATER!
But the reality rarely lives up to the fantasy. Especially now that I’m a mom.
As the clock ticked down to the moment I had to leave for the screening across town, I grew increasingly anxious. I’ve only missed a handful of bedtimes with Skylar, most of those being when I was in the hospital with Drew. It’s one of those things that would have made Pre-Kids Candy scoff, “Get a grip, woman! IT’S JUST BEDTIME.” But now…? It’s bedtime. My special time with the kids. And I knew Skylar would be upset without me there. I delayed leaving as long as I could — not unlike Skylar trying to put off going to bed — by asking Mr. Candy for glass after glass of water and running away and saying “NO!” and hiding under the table every time he suggested I leave.
“Having to hang out with her daddy isn’t the worst thing in the world that could happen to Skylar,” Mr. Candy wryly noted, as I clung to the leg of the dining table.
“FINE. I’M GOING!” I said, sticking out my tongue.
At which point, Skylar made things easier for me by smiling, “Have a good time, Mommy” and allowed me to leave guilt-free.
No! I kid!
She actually wrapped all 38 inches of her body around my legs, crying, “No! Don’t leave! I love my mommy! I want Mommy to stay here!” then proceeded to sob so hard, she couldn’t even catch her breath You know, the one-minute silent sob where all you can do is stare at your child, praying she will one day breathe again? When I finally found the strength to tear myself away, I actually slumped outside the door, listening to her cry, and considered turning around. Movie theaters are overrated, anyway, right? Floors that are sticky with only God knows what and 10,000-calorie buttered popcorn…
Wait — 10,000-CALORIE BUTTERED POPCORN. I want to go to there!
That’s how I found myself in front of a studio security guard, 10 minutes after the screening began, begging him to let me in.
I read most every pregnancy book under the sun when I was pregnant with my first child (with my second, I just smoked my crack pipe and hoped for the best), including the “pregnancy bible,” What to Expect When You’re Expecting. According to that book, I learned that pretty much every little ache, pain and irritation was a sign that my baby would be born with a forked tongue and five heads. Also, to make sure I didn’t balloon to the size of the Titanic and to keep my fork-tongued-baby healthy, I needed to avoid…everything. Yes, a very realistic and not-at-all-alarmist guide to pregnancy!
So imagine my delight when I found out they were making a movie based on this book! Because if anything screams “ADAPT ME!,” it’s a guide with nail-biting plot twists such as the week your fetus grows to the size of an heirloom tomato. (SPOILER ALERT: It’s week 19.)
When I saw the trailer for the movie, I noticed they took a few, um, creative liberties with the book and imparted even more helpful insights about pregnancy and parenthood. So for those of you considering starting a family, here is some food for thought from the screenwriters behind What to Expect When You’re Expecting:
Check out what the marketing posters for some of last night’s Best Picture nominees might have looked like if they were designed by kids…
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
Mr. Candy and I offer husband-and-wife perspectives of the latest DVDs for our fellow parents who view most movies from the couch these days.