Wingman-in-Training (Cartoon)
May 23, 2013 | Filed Under: Babies, Comics | Tags: Baby Cartoon, Baby Wingman, Funny Parenting Comic, Funny Playdate Cartoon, Toddler Cartoon
The Laughing Stork’s Baby Sign Language Chart
May 13, 2013 | Filed Under: Babies, Satire | Tags: Baby Sign Language
Want to help your your infant or toddler communicate their needs and thoughts before they are “blessed” with the gift of speech? Is daycare teaching baby sign language to your child, making him — and you — frustrated because you have no clue what he is signing? First step: familiarize yourself with the most helpful signs with our baby sign language chart!
5 Best Things About Having a Diaper-Free Baby
May 2, 2013 | Filed Under: Babies, In the News
The latest controversy sweeping parenting news — isn’t there always a controversy sweeping parenting news? — is mothers who let their babies, as young as just days old, go diaper-free. Parents say they choose the method for many reasons, including fostering better early communication with their children and reducing their environmental impact by getting rid of disposable diapers.
Living with the constant risk of having a kid crap all over the floor not for you? Well, perhaps you haven’t thought about THESE benefits:
To diaper or not to diaper, that is the question.
5 Best Things About Having a Diaper-Free Baby
5. Now you’ll REALLY get your money’s worth out of the dog’s new pooper scooper.
4. Baby will have unique first word: “COMMANDO.”
3. When friend brags that baby is holding her head up, you can retort: “How sweet. Did I mention my FOUR-DAY-OLD is already potty training?”
2. Newborn son pees all over swing instead of your face.
1. “Diaper bag” becomes “Mom’s Wine Transportation Bag.”
How NOT to Handle Two Kids Two and Under
Oct 27, 2012 | Filed Under: Babies, Candy's Column, Toddlers | Tags: Two Kids Two and Under, Two Kids Under Two
According to indisputable, statistically significant research, wherein I quickly thought about some of my friends and readers, an increasing number of people are having two children aged two and under — or, as obstetrics professionals say, “popping out dem babies back-to-back.” Highly trained researchers in the field of made-up facts, including myself and the cats, attribute this trend to more women having kids later in life, making them eager to take advantage of their shrinking window of fertility, as well as their overriding desire to optimize the “Kids Eat Free on Tuesdays” option at IHOP.
I am one of those women who has popped out babies back-to-back. Yes, in part because of the shrinking window of fertility, but mostly because of too many mai-tais. Being the mother of a two-and-a-half-year-old and a 10-month-old, and a family columnist-slash-funmaker, some expectant readers have assumed I have wisdom to impart on the subject. They are, no offense, out of their minds.
Mr. Candy and I were together for twelve years before we decided to have a baby. Those twelve years of mental preparation totally paid off, helping me hit the ground running when I became a mom and giving me ample time to perfect my Quarters game. Nothing, however, prepared me for the chaos of becoming the mom of two young kids.
As I previously shared, I cried in the shower for the first eight months of having two kids — a confession that scared the heck out of some of my readers about to be in the same position. Oops. “Please share some tips for juggling two kids!” they asked, seeking comforting advice from the very woman who frightened them in the first place. I figured that coming up with a few tips was the least I could do in exchange for giving them nightmares, so I sat here in front of a blank computer monitor, reflecting. Just like Skye on the potty: I sat and I sat and I sat and I sat and I sat and…nothing.
“Do you have any tips?” I asked Mr. Candy.
“Let me think about it,” he said, brow furrowed.
That was two weeks ago. (Explains that burning smell: two whole weeks of Mr. Candy thinking!)
So, instead of pretending we have grand advice to share about effectively juggling two kids under two and/or two and under (just saying that is exhausting), perhaps it would be more helpful if I shared what I would have done differently. To that end: How NOT to handle two kids two and under…
10 Things People Say to New Parents—and What They Really Mean
Oct 9, 2012 | Filed Under: Babies, Top 10 Lists
When we welcome a new addition into our lives, we also have no choice but to welcome a whole slew of comments from family, friends and perfect strangers. And, as I’ve learned after having two babies, what people say isn’t always what they mean exactly. So I thought it would be helpful for new parents to translate some of the more popular coded comments. Here are:
The Top 10 Things People Say When You’re a New Parent—and What They Really Mean
10. What they say: “Bluebell Apple… what a unique baby name!”
What they mean: “Why would you torture your child with a name like that?”
9. What they say: “Don’t worry. You’re going to lose that baby weight in no time!”
What they mean: “Wow. You still look like you’re pregnant.”
8. What they say: “You look tired.”
What they mean: “You look terrible.”
7. What they say: “What a cute… baby. What is its name?”
What they mean: “I am politely trying to figure out if your baby is a boy or a girl.”
6. What they say: “I have never seen a baby spit up so much.”
What they mean: “You must be over-feeding that child.”
5. What they say: “It’s amazing how much stuff you accumulate when you have a baby, huh?”
What they mean: “Your house is a mess.”
4. What they say: “He’s really got a set of lungs on him!”
What they mean: “I’m so glad I don’t have to listen to that wailing all the time.”
3. What they say: “It’s great you’ve been able to find the time to post so many pictures on Facebook!”
What they mean: “Stop clogging my newsfeed.”
2. What they say: “Our son started sleeping through the night when he was just six weeks old!”
What they mean: “We are the BEST PARENTS EVER. You, on the other hand…”
1. What they say: “Would you like me to watch the baby while you take a shower or something?”
What they mean: “You smell.”
Originally written for Disney’s BabyZone.com…
The Real Guide to Getting Your Baby to Sleep
Sep 21, 2012 | Filed Under: Babies | Tags: Sleep, ZZZZZZZZ
Yup. That’s my boy.
Sleep, or lack thereof, is a very popular topic among new parents—right up there with poop and feeding habits—so it is no wonder there is a whole empire built around the business of getting babies to sleep. There are, however, some tips that you probably won’t find in any books or DVDs; if you happen to be at the end of your rope, here are some situations in which my children would almost always fall asleep.
The Jumperoo
It’s fun! It’s bouncy! It promotes alertness and exercise! It’s the least comfortable place in the world in which to sleep! So, naturally, my son would always fall asleep in it. Every. Single. Time.
The Car Ride
It is no secret that the hum of the car is supposed to lull babies to sleep—but this is a twist on the classic trick. Ever notice that when you hope the baby will nap during a long car ride, that he will wait until you are just a minute away from your destination to actually fall asleep, so you will have to risk waking him up when taking him out of the car? My kids would do that without fail, to the point that I knew they were just messing me. My advice: Tell your baby “We’re almost there!” just a few seconds into your drive. You may think he can’t understand yet, but I guarantee the little guy will fall asleep immediately.
The Dad Hand-Off
After complaining to my husband that my daughter hadn’t slept for me all day or night—and happily handing her off to him, hoping he would finally get to feel my pain—she would once again mess with me by taking a three-hour nap for him the second I left the room. Invariably. Hmpf.
So just hand the kid to Dad! And when all else fails, there is always C-SPAN. The perfect sleep aid for people of all ages, really.
This was originally written for Disney’s BabyZone.com
New Mom Comic: Nursing-Friendly… or Husband-Friendly?
Jun 21, 2012 | Filed Under: Babies, Comics, Reader Submissions | Tags: Breastfeeding
With thanks to friend of The Laughing Stork and artist, Mimidee, whose work — including the rest of her “Millie, Just a Normal Breastfeeding Mum” comics — can be viewed on Facebook
The Attack of the Haze’s Haze
Jun 12, 2012 | Filed Under: Babies, Candy's Column | Tags: Sleep, Yawn
You might remember my post from six months ago describing the haze of exhaustion clouding my life, a haze caused by a certain baby boy who refused to sleep at night. I won’t name names, but his name rhymes with Drew.
Whoops. I’m too tired to think of anything that rhymes with his name. Besides, not much does rhyme with Drew except words starting with almost every letter of the alphabet.
You might also think that, because I haven’t followed up with any additional posts about The Haze, that my son has started sleeping through the night as so many wonderful, nearly one-year-old children do. Well, no offense, but if you think that then you are OUT OF YOUR MIND because my son still wakes up two-to-three times at night. I haven’t written about his nighttime stinker-ness (totally a word, more typically found in dictionaries for moms who have run out of words to describe their stinker-ish kids) because what else is there to say, really, except that I am at my wits’ end and beyond tired.
Just how tired ARE you, Candy?
Thank you for asking!
- I am SO tired that I handed the pacifier to one of the cats yesterday.
- I am SO tired that I brushed my teeth with facial cream. (My teeth have never looked more taut.)
- I am SO tired that I searched the entire kitchen, including the contents of the trash can, for the lid that goes on Skye’s apple juice, (It was on the kitchen counter.)
- I am SO tired that I haven’t had the energy to do my own laundry in months. So I just buy new underwear every time we go to Target.
- I am SO tired even my haze has its own haze at this point.
The theme of this post is subtle, I know, so I’ll make it more clear: I’m tired.
