In today’s useless study news, new research has shown that men with full beards are rated HIGHEST for parenting ability and perceived as better fathers. Naturally, The Laughing Stork conducted a follow-up study that breaks down what, exactly, makes these bearded fellows such good dads:
I thought I was a selfless mom for sharing my coffee cake with my son this morning, but no…! Turns out, Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands earned the “Mom of the Day” title today when she abdicated the throne to her eldest son, Willem-Alexander, allowing him to become the first King of the Netherlands in more than 120 years. Quite a nice gesture on Beatrix’s part, especially considering she is now just a lame princess. But when you think about it, there are some perks to abdicating the throne to your son:
The 5 Coolest Things About Abdicating The Throne to Your Son
I’m lucky if I have time to run a comb through my kids’ hair in the morning before school, but this dad…? Just HAS to make the rest of us look bad by decorating his two teenage sons’ sandwich bags EVERY MORNING with hand-drawn illustrations inspired by “whatever may be happening at the time.” And, as you can see, they ain’t too shabby:
David Laferriere also happens to be an illustrator and graphic designer, so this kind of touch is obviously right up his alley. But those of us parents who aren’t so artistically inclined can leverage our skill sets to make lunch special in other ways. For example:
It’s no surprise that a new study has confirmed that moms don’t exactly feel sexy after having a baby, what with the exhaustion, lack of bathing and lingering pregnancy weight and all. However, it’s interesting to find out that dudes totally do feel more attractive after becoming a dad — at least, that’s what the study in the Journal of Gender Studies claims.
And, upon further reflection, that difference in our self-perceptions makes sense considering how the world often treats us after we have a baby:
If you were just thinking, You know, I would LOVE to shove a pee-covered stick in my computer for a full breakdown of my hormone levels, then ThinkGeek has read your mind!
If ThinkGeek were really reading women’s minds, however, they would also offer a follow-up test for pregnant women that reveals helpful factoids such as:
- How many liters of water our ankles will retain during pregnancy
- The likelihood of strangers touching our belly
- When, exactly, we will sneeze-pee (so we can avoid being in public at those times)
- How many shoe sizes our feet will grow
- If the baby finds it annoying that we keep blaring Mozart and French lessons in his cozy womb
British sports car-maker Aston Martin has rolled out the latest in high-end baby gear nonsense: a limited edition $3000 stroller. “Premium” features include a winter footmuff with windproof performance fabrics, detachable baby carrier, sun shade and rain shield, and a folding, detachable shopping basket — you know, pretty much standard features on most any stroller costing several hundred dollars. Except for the shopping basket, perhaps…although, for that kind of money, I’d rather just throw my milk and cheese on top of the baby. Or in the basket provided for free by the store.
So why does the Aston Martin stroller cost so much money? Well, The Laughing Stork’s cracker jack investigative team has an uncovered an ad revealing benefits way beyond “windproof performance fabrics”…
I’ve heard of “going green” for a wedding, but this takes it to a whole ‘nother, literal level…
As you can see, this Jersey couple tied the knot dressed as Shrek and Princess Fiona from — you guessed it — the animated film Shrek. Paul Bellas, 42 and his wife Heidi Coxshall, 30, originally wanted a beach wedding, but you’re not allowed to do that in New Jersey. So they went with the natural second choice: an ogre-themed wedding at the Radisson.
Why Shrek? Because it’s their four-year-old son’s favorite movie. Meanwhile, he dressed like Donkey and the guests dressed like other fairytale characters. Which is kind of awesome.
No word on whether they served rat and toad-based hors d’oeuvres at the reception.
I’m just glad I didn’t have to take our kids’ interests into account when I got married. It was hard enough on my grandma when I had two guys stand up for me instead of bridesmaids. Watching Mr. Candy and I exchange vows while dressed as Mike and Sully from Monsters Inc. may have just sent her over the edge. (“Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?” “I… BOO!” Ha, haaaaa!)
My kids employ plenty of bedtime delay tactics (see: here), but I suppose I should be thankful they haven’t called the police on me, as a 10-year-old Boston boy did this week — just to complain that his mother was making him go to bed. Thankfully, the officer who was required to visit the scene was understanding and, at the request of the mom, talked to the boy to make sure he understood the consequences of his actions. And to make the boy and mom feel not so bad, we also compiled a list of other real-life 911 calls that may just be even more ridiculous:
1. The woman who called 911 to ask a police officer on a date
A woman in Aloha, Oregon, called 911 because she thought a deputy who had just visited her house on a complaint was good-looking. After her neighbors reported a noise complaint, two sheriff’s deputies knocked on Lorna Jeanne Dudash’s door. One of them caught her eye. When they left, Dudash dialed 9-1-1 in a desperate attempt to get the deputy she described to dispatchers as a “cutie pie” to return. She said that she didn’t have an emergency; she just wanted the dispatcher to “throw the cute police back her way.” The “cute” deputy returned and, once he determined there was no legitimate emergency, he arrested Dudash for misusing 9-1-1. She now faces a fine of up to several thousand dollars and up to a year in jail.
Which is pretty much how all storybook romances start, right?
Yes, this woman’s birth story trumps ALL of our stories: A Texas mother had a one-in-70-million kind of Valentine’s Day this year when she gave birth to not one, but TWO, sets of identical twin boys. The four brothers were delivered at 31 weeks to Tressa Montalvo, 36, via Cesarean section at The Woman’s Hospital of Texas in Houston. I know what you’re thinking and, no, they were NOT using any fertility drugs and had just hoped for a little brother or sister for their 2-year-old son.
“We planned the pregnancy – I guess we just succeeded a little too much!” said the mom of FIVE.
And what did the new dad have to say after watching his poor wife give birth to TWO SETS OF TWINS?
“We’re not done yet. I still want a girl.”
To which his wife surely responded along the lines of this:
Italian tabloid reprimanded by Royals for publishing pictures of pregnant Kate Middleton in a bikini
If that were ME looking that hot in a bikini at four months pregnant (or ever)? I’d say, “THANK YOU FOR SHOWING THE WORLD MY BANGIN’ BODY!”
If wife earns more, husband’s sexual performance may suffer, study finds
Good thing their wives can afford to buy them some Viagra. And a stronger ego.
D&G releases new perfume for babies
Thereby eliminating the ONE thing that keeps new moms going: that delicious baby smell.
CBS tells Grammy attendees that they need to “cover up” at the upcoming awards show
In response, the attendees asked, “Mom, is that you?”
First Elmo, then Barney and now THIS: The 56-year-old man who was the voice of Charlie Brown in many of the “Peanuts” television shows has been charged with stalking and threatening his former girlfriend, as well as the plastic surgeon who gave her a breast enhancement that he paid for before the relationship ended. (An all-around lovely story, I know.)
Puns and jokes you can use when sharing this story with friends include:
- Good grief!
- …And yet Lucy got away with stalking Schroeder for YEARS!
- That’s what he gets for being so snoopy.
- What the judge will hear when he enters his “not guilty” plea: Wah wah wah.
- I wonder if his cell looks like a Pig-Pen?
- WHAT A BLOCKHEAD.
Thanks, folks. I’ll be here all night.