Category - In the News

Parenting in Zero Gravity

“Could you straighten that picture while you’re up there?”  [AFP]

  • Words that the mother of a daughter does not enjoy writing:  Many girls now begin puberty at age 7, 8.  [BusinessWeek]
  • Jennifer Aniston shoots back at Bill O’Reilly over motherhood comments, facetiously calls him Prince Charming.  In response, Bill said, “Jennifer Aniston thinks I’m Prince Charming?  I have three words for her:  How YOU doin’?” [People]
  • Do these jeans make my diaper look big?  The new trend of “skinny jeans” for toddlers.  [WSJ]
  • Angelina Jolie:  Shiloh “tells me what she wants to wear.”  In other words, suck it, naysayers!  [Us Weekly]
  • Safety Board tells FAA that parents should be required to buy separate seats for babies on planes.  A great, safety-conscious idea… that should be immediately implemented after my baby turns two.  [AOL]
  • Kelsey Grammer expecting his fifth child — with four different women — with a 29-year-old British flight attendant, whose father is younger than Kelsey.  I’m sure this time it is true love forever!  [Daily Mail]

Donald Duck runs afowl, charged with groping woman

Ducking responsibility for his actions

A woman claims that a Disney employee dressed as Donald Duck grabbed her breast and molested her after she sought an autograph at Epcot Center in Florida.

Also, it must be noted that Donald was not wearing pants.

After the alleged groping, Donald Duck made gestures — apparently with his snowy white hands —“indicating he had done something wrong,” according to a lawsuit filed last month by the 27-year-old woman who was visiting Epcot with her children and fiancé in May 2008 when the incident reportedly occurred.

That’s right — she was so traumatized by Donald’s grab-and-run that it took her two years to file the lawsuit.  The alleged victim is suing Disney for negligence, battery, and infliction of emotional distress, and is seeking in excess of $50,000 in damages.  According to the complaint, she has suffered “severe physical injury, emotional anguish and distress including, but not limited to post-traumatic stress disorder” as a result of the run-in with Donald Duck.  She also contends that the incident was “one of a long line of continuing, long standing, similar prior incidents” involving the groping of patrons by costumed Disney employees

Meanwhile, thousands of us parents continue to put our kids in the arms of these strangers in furry costumes.  Sure, Donald may be a creepy pant-less breast molester in half of a sailor’s uniform, but think of how cute Donald and Junior’s picture will look in the family reunion slide show…!  It’s all about priorities, people, priorities.

Lesson learned: NEVER cut off a mom on the road

Just showing the driver some Luvs.

If anyone knows how to fight dirty, it’s a mom.  Case in point: a road rage-fueled woman recently walked up to another driver’s car… and smeared the contents of her kid’s dirty diaper all over the vehicle’s rear window.

Because, let’s face it, sometimes honking the horn just isn’t enough.

The diaper-armed woman, Jessica Hollis, 23, and Melanie Campbell started arguing when they were stuck in traffic leaving the Fayette County Fair in Western Pennsylvania (my home state — woot!) Saturday night, according to state police.

Hollis was charged with harassment.  And unlawful possession of a sh*tty weapon.

The Olive Garden: Now with unlimited salad, breadsticks AND a free beat-down!

Not as sweet as he looks

A man, who must have been irritable after stuffing himself with a plate full of five-cheese ziti, was arrested after attacking another man at an Olive Garden in — where else? — Florida.

Apparently, 36-year-old Paul Blankfield was not pleased about some noisy kids at a nearby table.  Instead of handling the situation constructively and simply throwing breadsticks at the backs of their heads, Pauly confronted their father and, um, punched him in the neck.

The Olive Garden:  “When you’re here, you’re dysfunctional family.”

Police say ol’ Paul told them he did this because the man’s autistic child had disturbed his dining experience.

Seems like a reasonable way to handle the situation.  Next time the Olive Garden skimps on the croutons in my salad, I’m going to kick the server in the shin!

Dancing for Two

… And the baby’s onesies will be sleeveless, too!  [AFP]

Mark Wahlberg says his penis dedication is no longer funny.  If I had a nickel for every time I heard a man say that… [NY Post]

Pregnant “man” gives birth to third child.  Which is how you know he was once a woman — no man could tolerate that much pain.  [CBS News]

Sex toys that are already in your bedroom,” including… mouthwash?  Huh.  I thought that was what you were supposed to use after certain bedroom acts.  [Cosmo]

New mom creates amazing photographs of newborn as she sleeps.  Kind of like taking pics of your frat brothers and writing on their foreheads when they pass out after a keg party.  Only slightly cuter.  Slightly.  [Mila's Daydreams]

Why mothers fall behind in the workplace.  Key quote:  “Women do almost as well as men today, as long as they don’t have children.”  Promising!  *Ahem*  [NYT]

Husband of the day so far: Wife discovers hubby’s second marriage on Facebook

Till Facebook do us part

Turns out, Facebook does more than keep you apprised of what your high school friend’s seven-year-old ate for breakfast — it also helps you investigate your lying bigamist of a “husband.”  That is, if you don’t already have the Bigamist Investigation app on your iPhone.

The scoop:  Lynn France suspected her hubby John (with whom she has two children) was cheating, so she tracked Johnny Boy down at a hotel and, lo and behold, she was right.

“He was there with this girlfriend,” Lynn told The Daily Mail.  “I said, ‘Hey, I’m his wife. We’ve got a baby.’ ”

I guess the girlfriend, Amanda, was nonplussed — marriage, schmarriage — because she simply told Lynn that she was engaged to Johnny Boy.  When Lynn’s friend recommended that she check out the woman on Facebook, she did — and found not only photos of the woman’s bridal shower, but also a Disney World WEDDING at which Amanda had dressed up like Sleeping Beauty and John as Prince Charming.

He’s Prince Charming, all right.

After discovering the photos, Lynn began divorce proceedings.  I can’t imagine why!   John France doesn’t deny he married Amanda, but says he’s no bigamist because his first marriage to Lynn has since been declared invalid due to a clerical error.

Well, THAT clears it all up.

“Honey, I Shrunk the Wedding Guests!”

… Starring The Supersized Mullet.  [AFP]

Americal Idol shake-up:  Kara DioGuardi is fired; Ellen bolts; and Jennifer Lopez joins as a judge.  Phew!   I was wondering how J.Lo would make ends meet.  [Deadline]

A mom’s hugs can produce less stressed offspring, even into adulthood.  They can also produce embarrassed offspring if done in front of their friends at high school.  (Not that I’ll ever do that to MY child.  *Ahem*)  [CNN]

The worst fall fashion trends.  When one invokes the style spirit of Barbara Bush, you know it’s bad, indeed.  [Refinery29]

Mothers shouldn’t put babies at risk with home birth, study says.  Well, I know I’m glad I delivered in the hospital because it had my medical essentials:  doctors; drugs; and, most critically, a Starbucks.  [LA Times]

Lilly Pulitzer designer animal crackers.  For the style-conscious toddler tummy that deserves so much more than generic-looking snacks.  [Babble]

Bryce Dallas Howard opens up about postpartum depression and how she “pretended perfection” after her son’s birth.  Yeah, I think we all pretend that at some point or another.  [People]

This Pug must kill at karaoke night

  • Proof that there is high-quality entertainment on YouTube.  [Pug]
  • 25 ridiculous parenting products. (I am TOTALLY getting the sonogram cufflinks for Mr. Candy.  The perfect touch of class for a partner at a management consulting firm!) [Parenting.com]
  • As the World Turns replaced by mommy chat show featuring Julie Chen, Sara Gilbert, Sharon Osbourne, Holly Robinson Peete, Leah Remini and Marissa Jaret Winokur.  Woo-hoo!  It’s about TIME we see more of Sharon Osbourne.  And morning chat shows.  *Ahem*  [NYT]
  • Kim Kardashian calls nephew Mason “best birth control ever.”  Same could be said of all the Kardashian offspring. [People]
  • When parents disagree — on everything.  That sounds promising.  [MotherLode]
  • Some caffeine okay during pregnancy, new study shows.  Yeah, tell that to the Starbucks barista who gave me the STINK EYE when my huge belly and I ordered a tall latte last summer.  Hmpf.  [Reuters]

Double the Uterus, Double the Diapers

Woman with double uterus pregnant with two babies conceived at different times.  Now I feel lame with my boring, single uterus.  Slacker reproductive system!  [eMH]

A discussion about something we all love:  Unsolicited parenting advice from strangers.  [Motherlode]

Michelle Duggar wins “Mother of the Year” award from Ladies Against Feminism, a group that believes women should not have the right to vote.  Wait — does that also include voting for Dancing with the Stars?!  Yes?  Okay, NOW I’m mad!  [Feministing]

Forever 21′s new maternity line stirs controversy by launching in states with high teen pregnancy.  And low condom sales.  [Forever21]

Bethenny Frankel says new baby was like “bringing home an animal from the wild.”  Which she should be familiar with, having worked with Kelly Bensimon. [People]

Vince Vaughn is going to be a daddy.  In commenting about the news, Vaughn said, [INSERT FAST-TALKING, MISGUIDED-BUT-WELL-MEANING MAN-BOY RESPONSE HERE]. [LATimes]

The case of missing 7-year-old boy Kyron Horman becomes even more bizarre than the soap opera storylines I used to write.  [CBS News]

The G-Word

The S-H-I-T (sorry, I’m a mom now; I have to spell it out) recently hit the fan when Sun-Times columnist Mary Mitchell coined the phrase “ghetto parenting” to describe:

  • Cursing around, and at, a child.
  • Brawling with your man or your woman in front of your child.
  • Letting your child roam the streets until somebody else’s mother has to tell the child to go home. (But I thought “free-range parenting” was all the rage…?)
  • Putting your child off on friends and relatives because you want to hang out in the street.
  • Getting so hooked on substances that the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services has to remove your children and place them with strangers.

I would argue that cursing and brawling in front of children are hardly unique to the “ghetto,” but her column — inspired by the tragic fate of victims of such parenting –  is a provocative one, as evidenced by the, oh, three gazillion responses to it.

In my West Hollywood neighborhood, I am more privy to another kind of lousy, albeit significantly less abusive, kind of parenting.  An approach I like to call “You’re So Smart!” Parenting.  That is, parents who allow their toddler to sit on the Starbucks counter — dirty sneakers next to my latte — and fling a pile of straws and cup sleeves on the floor WITHOUT EVEN TRYING TO PICK THEM UP, and then reward their child for this behavior by gushing, “You’re so smart!”*  Smart?  Say wha –?!

*At least that’s my fuzzy recollection of it.  I will admit that, after I saw the rubber soles resting perilously close to my drink, my world went black.