Feb 27, 2013 | Filed Under: Home & Garden, Real Estate
I am obsessed with real estate, to the point that our DVR is filled with episodes of House Hunters (because I can’t live without knowing which townhouse in Nashville Tom and Annie chose!) and, before kids, my Sunday afternoons were spent touring open houses in the greater Los Angeles area (and taking advantage of the free cookie platters).
Which may be why I find these real estate ads particularly funny:
Hey there, Shirley, where is the home located again? I’d love to check out that, um, view.
Too bad. I find that ferrets are much more reasonable negotiators.
Nov 30, 2012 | Filed Under: Home & Garden, Satire | Tags: Christmas, Christmas Decorations, Christmas Fun
The Ultimate Guide for Holiday Decorating Ideas
Our ultimate Christmas guide features ideas for your plastic junk, grab-worthy centerpieces, ways to make decorating the Christmas tree even more laborious, and more.
The key to making a statement with your outdoor Christmas decorations: “More is more,” advises The Laughing Stork’s design expert and Co-Chairkitty, Marcy Cuddles. “To paraphrase Kelis, ‘My plastic junk brings all the neighbors to the yard.’ Don’t be afraid to layer that plastic junk with even more plastic junk — you can never have enough penguins in Santa hats, by the way — on both your yard and your roof, and complement it with several hundred strings of lights in varying colors. Top it off with extra-loud Christmas music for the whole neighborhood to enjoy all night long and voila! Magic.”
Hint: If you take a step back and can still see a hint of your house, you haven’t gone far enough. ADD MORE PLASTIC JUNK.
Oct 17, 2010 | Filed Under: Home & Garden, Tip of the Day | Tags: The Cat is SO Grounded
Problem: Your clumsy 20-lb. cat decides to jump on your desk to google “hot kitty Halloween costumes,” knocking your full glass of fruit punch on the floor in the process, and even a professional carpet cleaner is unable to get the damn stain out.
Solution: Brighten up the area with lovely flowers. This will not only counteract the ugliness of the stain, but also distract house guests from noticing the stain and instead lead them to wonder, “Why the hell does this nutbag have a vase of flowers in the middle of her rug?”
This has been your Martha Stewart-esque home and garden tip of the day!
Aug 3, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column, Home & Garden | Tags: Cleaning Tips
You know how I was bitching about having to clean my closet? Problem solved!
Here is one home organization tip you won’t find in Redbook: Simply have your home developer install an air conditioner with a drain smaller than an anthill entrance above your closet, wait four years for it to clog up, making it leak all over your closet carpet for days without your knowledge (because you were too busy avoiding the closet and the task of cleaning it. . . duh), so you are forced to fork over a thousand bucks to a carpet restoration company to rip up the carpet, along with your baseboards, and — this is where the Martha Stewart-esque organization system comes into play — dump the contents of your closet on your bed and floor to make room for the massive, heat-generating dehumidifier that must run for days to prevent mold and mildew, causing the temperature in your bedroom to spike to 100 degrees and rendering the clothes in your closet moot, anyway, because the only way to survive the Death Valley-like conditions is to go completely and utterly naked. (Or so my husband insists.)
Woo-hoo! Closet: CLEANED.
Jun 16, 2010 | Filed Under: Home & Garden | Tags: Our Crazy Cats
Plain porcelain bathroom sinks are so uninspired.
So we decided to spruce things up with a cat-filled sink! PETA be damned. (Tip: The sink accessory does not appreciate it when you wash your hands. Or brush your teeth. Or try to use the sink in any way. Definitely more fashion over function.)
Dec 11, 2009 | Filed Under: Home & Garden, K-6, Kids | Tags: Creepy
If you think this T. rex bed causes nightmares, just wait until you see the kid’s crocodile bath toys.
Dec 8, 2009 | Filed Under: Home & Garden | Tags: Holidays
Yay…! Contrary to what my Grandma Kirby always told me, dreams can come true:
Continue Reading »
Sep 10, 2009 | Filed Under: Home & Garden | Tags: Home & Garden
Why, I had no idea Louis Vuitton had launched a home collection! And they rolled it out in Mexico, no less. Interesting choice. Given the less-than-sanitary-looking neighborhood, I hope it comes with a dust bag.