Category - Candy’s Column

Welcome to the Zoo

There are only a few decisions in life that will irrevocably change the fiber of your being.  The decision to give up your virginity, for example*.  Or the decision to pour the sweet, sweet nectar of fraternity keg swill down your throat for...

Hairgate

There are a few simple rules I expect daycare to follow:  watch my child; do not hurt my child; empty my child’s diaper every so often; keep my child off porn sites (at least the ones involving goats or any Kardashian sisters or both);...

Can’t Blame a Girl for Trying

ME:  I don’t think she’s left that box all weekend. MR. CANDY:  I know, right? ME:  Why do we even bother buying toys? MR. CANDY:  Good question. ME:  All she needs are more boxes. MR. CANDY:  Exactly. ME:  Which means I need to buy...

16 Months

Miss Skye turns [INSERT MELODRAMATICALLY SENTIMENTAL SIGH HERE] 16 months old today.  SIX-FREAKIN-TEEN months, people.  Say whaaa–? And, not to brag or anything, but she already performs one hell of a dramatic interpretation of Green Eggs...

U Can’t Stuff This

Re-posted from Nov 25, 2009 (and we’re doing the very same thing for Thanksgiving this year, wild and unpredictable folks that we are) Thanksgiving is a special holiday when we give thanks for elastic-waistband pants.  It also is a time...

Karma

Behold: What my mom had in mind when, many, many years ago, she rolled her eyes at me pounding my fists on the floor at Sears because my three-year-old ass did NOT WANT TO PUT ON MY COAT YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, WAAAHHH!!!, and ominously...

Did I Mention I Have a Baby?

BACKSTORY:  On Monday mornings, there is nowhere to park within a mile radius of Skye’s daycare because of street cleaning, parking regulations, blah, blah, blah.  AS IF MONDAY MORNINGS AREN’T BAD ENOUGH.  So, being the good citizen...

Shameless

As y’all know, trying to adopt a cat hasn’t exactly been easy for us so far, with competition and overextended, unresponsive volunteers seemingly working against us.  Frustrated but not defeated, I decided to be even more proactive...

The Doomed Do-gooder

A few years ago before I was even thinking about having a child (also known as:  The Years When I Thought “Yo Gabba Gabba” Was a Hip-Hop Sorority), I was overcome by how fortunate I was and decided I wanted — nay, I needed...