So excited! Thanksgiving may just be my favorite holiday. No Elf on the Shelf causing me undue stress, no bunny or old man breaking-and-entering our house, no kids changing their minds about their costumes every nine minutes… just a time to be thankful for family, bottomless mashed potatoes, gravy oozing from my pores, and my old maternity pants. Hope everyone has a great holiday!
-Candy (who’s making a not-so-dramatic return to writing on The Laughing Stork next week, once I kayak my way out of the mashed potatoes)
Because the only thing more fun than gorging ourselves this holiday, is making our kids groan with embarrassment and throw us an exasperated eye-roll…
1. DO wear a ridiculous turkey sweater.
It’s almost that glorious time of year when we gorge ourselves and give thanks for elastic waistband pants! And there comes a moment on every Thanksgiving when moms can’t help but put an arm around the turkey and whisper, You and I are totally sympatico, dude. …No? That’s just me? Well, perhaps after reading my list of similarities, you’ll feel more inclined to share a beer with your turkey this year, too.
#1 – We’ve both had hands shoved in places where the sun don’t shine.
“Sorry, kid, this one’s taken.”— The Cat
Before the Oscar nominations and trips to “sex rehab,” celebrities were just innocent babies in search of their next hit of oatmeal, as we all were once upon a time. See if you can guess the famous faces behind these baby/kid photos…
Finally! Scientists have been able to identify what, exactly, is on the mind of a mom while she’s behind the wheel…
My nights used to end with me collapsing into bed after one too many tequila shots. Now…? They end with me collapsing into bed after two exhausting bedtime routines, followed by a binge-watching session of Orange is the New Black. While I watch the lovely ladies of prison deal with their daily struggles, I can’t help but think…
You know, in some ways, life on Orange is the New Black is easier than life as a mom.
7. Meals are not only cooked for you, but they are served to you.
6. No judgment for wearing elastic waistband pants.
5. When somebody throws a tantrum, no need to deal with it — just let the guards put them in solitary, er… a time-out.
4. Actually have a 1 out of 3 chance of getting to pee by yourself with the door closed.
3. Low expectations in the beauty and grooming department.
2. Thin bed mattress is more comfortable than floor of baby’s room while trying to soothe teething infant.
1. Okay, sure, there is still somebody peeing on your floor — but at least it only happens once!
(Not that I know anything about being a drunk college student. *Ahem*)
10. They have no problem passing out in strange places.
9. Bulk up by indulging in frequent late-night feedings.
8. Embarrassing lack of coordination.
7. Often regurgitate/spit up all over you if they drink too much.
6. Takes little-to-no encouragement to get them to lift up their shirts.
5. Have problems focusing their eyes.
4. Able to chug without taking a breath for impressive amount of time.
3. Responsive to people talking to them like a baby.
2. Woeful bladder control.
1. Blissfully unaware of people posting pictures of them looking drunk on the Internet.