10 Signs You Have a ‘Scandal’ Addiction Problem

"Don't look now, but those people staring at us..? They have a problem."

“Don’t look now, but those people staring at us..? They have a problem.”

I recently made the mistake of starting to watch Scandal on Netflix. As a result, I abandoned my children, husband, work and general hygiene in favor of being glued to my iPad.

But it was SO worth it.

And now that I’m caught up, I thought I’d create a helpful list in anticipation of the show’s return on February 27 — a list that helps you determine if you have a li’l Scandal addiction problem, too. Here are 10 tell-tale signs:

10. You growl at your toddler that he HAS to learn how to pee in the potty because he is a GLADIATOR, dammit!

9. You would give your life for one of Olivia’s white coats.

8. Before sharing the secret to your famous chocolate chip cookies, you sweep your house for bugs.

7. You can’t even LOOK at a power drill without clutching your genitals anymore.

6. All sexual encounters must be conducted in a closet or on the Oval Office desk.

5. When your husband spills beer on the new sofa, you cry, “WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?!”

4. Before you fix the time on your parents’ microwave, you put on a white hat.

3. Accidentally double-booked two important work meetings? No problem. YOU CAN FIX THIS. YOU’RE A FIXER.

2. When the automated phone system tell you that you are out of options, you retort, “I am NEVER out of options!”

1. You find yourself creepily staring at people through conference room windows.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).