Top 10 Baby Shower Gifts Nobody Buys for You — But Should

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Back when I was pregnant with the little chica, I was fortunate to receive a ton of gifts from loving friends and family, many of whom ignored the baby registries I painstakingly created in favor of onesies that declared, “I LOVE MY [INSERT RELATIVE HERE]!”  Which I totally understand — you can never start the brainwashing process too early.  Also, onesies are much cuter than bottle nipples.

Now that I have the benefit of some parenting experience, I’ve discovered a number of items that would have been SO fabulous to have received as gifts — items that I never even would have thought to have registered for.  Items that, um, may not be available on BabiesRUs.com.  But should be.

10.  Cell Phone Flask

A “subtle,” vodka-filled way to help you get through more difficult times, such as when you get stuck talking to the Socially Awkward Mom at playgroup.  And check out how realistic that phone looks!  Wow.  Nobody will ever guess anything out of the ordinary is going on when you stick that ANTENNA in your mouth.  *AHEM*

$5.05; available at Amazon.com.

9.  Male Housekeeper

When you’re an exhausted new mom, dusting and vacuuming tend to fall by the wayside — so why not ask for the gift of eye candy with a six-pack?  Er… a housekeeper with a six-pack of Pledge Wipes, I mean.  Of course.

Check your local craigslist.

8.  Mute Button

Every baby should have a mute button.  I mean, okay, maybe cutting your first tooth isn’t the greatest feeling in the world, but do these kids have to be so vocal about it?  Geesh.   Kids:  Grow a pair.  Parents:  Just press “MUTE.”

$7.49; Windmill Designs.

7.  Full-Body Armor

Never underestimate how much bodily fluid that little baby can emit — or how much of it will fly and land on YOU.

$44.95; Amazon.com.

6.  No-Contact Infrared Baby Thermometer

Oops.  This is a serious suggestion.  Not sure how this one sneaked in here.

You know those under-the-armpit thermometers that come in the standard Baby First-Aid Kit on everybody’s registry?  Yeah, try using one of those on the sick and miserable kid once s/he can actually MOVE.  It’s like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline.  Save yourself the trouble (and tranquilizer gun) by investing in one of these bad boys.

$64.94; Amazon.com.

5.  Dry Shampoo

I showered about every other presidential administration when I was a new mom — and probably won’t bathe that frequently once I have Baby #2.  I figure that slapping on this dry shampoo should make my hair presentable enough until, what, the 2016 Summer Olympics?  At LEAST.

$11; Amazon.com.

4.  Extra Arms

Milton Berle once said, “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”  EXACTLY.   How on earth are we expected to feed the baby, wipe the spit-up from our eye, fill the cell phone flask with tequila and caress the housekeeper’s six-pack at the same time?  More arms, please.

$8.39; the Limbs Department of Amazon.com.  (I would also like to register for Tina Turner’s legs.  Thank you.)

3.  Caffeine IV

Please.  And keep it on continuous drip.

Somewhere on eBay, I’m sure.

2.  “I Love My Mom” Onesie

Oh, somebody did buy this for you?  Hmpf.  I guess I’m the only one who received onesies recognizing everyone BUT mom.  [CUE THE VIOLINS HERE]

$19.95; Etsy.com.

1.  A Bigger House

To accommodate how much your heart grows when you have a child.  (Awwww.  Aren’t I just precious?)  Not to mention the pile of toys and crap that keeps growing and growing and GROWING… (Well, I couldn’t end it on too sweet of a note.)

$6 million; Realtor.com.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur. For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

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6 Comments

  1. Mr. Candy

    February 23, 2011 at 11:55 pm

    Next time I come home and the rugs are especially clean, I am going to become a little concerned.

    • Mrs. Harrison Ford

      February 23, 2011 at 11:59 pm

      Just get her the book “Porn for Women.” It’s men doing traditional housewife things (ironing, cleaning, etc). Maybe that will cure Candy’s need for a hot and sexy male housekeeper. Or you could clean the house, since she does think you have a cute butt. An even better idea is hiring a housekeeper and writing the check out bent over so she can see your cute butt!

  2. Eize

    February 24, 2011 at 2:06 am

    I need item #3 myself… ;)

  3. Indian, Please!

    February 24, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    RE: #6 I go with a rectal thermometer. Cheaper and more accurate, albeit more gross.

  4. Alma Brit

    September 4, 2011 at 11:42 pm

    Wow, that’s some collection!

    I definitely don’t want my folks reading this blog post before coming to a baby shower. I know some practical jokers who have the nerve to gift something like this just for the heck of it!

  5. Nick

    June 3, 2013 at 9:17 am

    With two kids under 4 years of age number 8 is a must in our house.

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