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Today’s “Ouch” Report: Jessica Alba Credits Torture Device for Post-Baby Weight Loss

Celebrities

Today’s “Ouch” Report: Jessica Alba Credits Torture Device for Post-Baby Weight Loss

jessica-alba-eating-instagramIf you’re wondering how Jessica Alba got her rockin’ figure back so quickly after both of her pregnancies, well, let’s just say it wasn’t from popping those fried cheese balls she’s pretending to eat on Instagram. In an interview with Net-a-Porter’s magazine, Jessica revealed her apparent secret to bouncing back:

“I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.” Jessica said. “It was brutal; it’s not for everyone.”

A double corset, eh?  My ribcage would just like to say:  “Ouch.”  And I’m sure good genes and the fact Jessica started working out just two weeks after giving birth had nothing to do with her quick weight loss.  *Ahem*

Nevertheless, it’s only a matter of time before we see Jessica launch a new line of weight-loss products-slash-torture devices for new moms, including:

–Quadruple corsets for overachieving moms who want to drop those pesky pregnancy pounds before leaving the hospital!

–Foot binding wraps to keep those feet from growing during pregnancy!

–Shrink Wrap for the head to prevent post-partum hair loss!

–Ceiling-affixed cranes for your breasts to make them perky again!

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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