10 Weirdest Things We Have Said to Our Kids Lately

toilet-seat-off-headThe other day I heard myself telling my three-year-old daughter, Skye, “No, I do NOT want to lick your flashcard,” then immediately thought, Man, motherhood sure does drive me to utter weird things every day.  (In Skye’s defense, it was a flashcard with a picture of a lick-worthy cake.)  So I thought I would see what kind of oddities you’ve recently heard coming out of your mouths.  Here are 10 of the most hilarious responses from Facebook and Twitter:

10.  “Stop! You may NOT take mommy’s picture while I’m on the toilet!” (Said to the two-year-old pointing his sister’s iPod right at me ~ “Cheeeez”) —Amy

9.  “Pee in your cup only!” (Yelled by me through closed bathroom door to my boys – 10 and 7 – who decided it would be fun to go to together to provide their urine samples at pediatrician today!) –Bleema

8.  “Stop putting french fries in your sock and just eat them.” (To my three-year-old) –Becky

7.  “Stop picking your nose with your shoelaces!!” (To my 2 1/2-year-old.) –Christine

6.  “Do not put your sister between your mattress and box spring!” –Chastity

5.  “Diaper cream is not for eating.” (Said to my 15-month-old during a change after he grabbed his penis) –Bethany

4.  “We don’t keep boogies.” —Kiribitz

3.  “If you eat your french fries, I will give you candy.” (Trying to get my almost 3-year-old to eat ANYTHING.) –Jade

2. “No, no, eat your left hand — it’s much tastier.”  (To my infant after he kept sucking on his right.) —Alice

1.  “I am not talking to you… until you are wearing underwear.” –Allison

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

3 CommentsLeave a comment

  • wish i had seen this on your FB page – I have a good one!

    “if you are going to throw things at your sister at least use a stuffed animal, not your backpack!”

  • “Use your spoon to eat your oatmeal…NOT your big toe!” (To my 3 year old) – Mahoganey