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The Official Guide to Posing for “HOW I GOT MY BODY BACK!” Magazine Covers

Pop Culture

The Official Guide to Posing for “HOW I GOT MY BODY BACK!” Magazine Covers

Immediately after giving birth, many celebrity moms stare into their beautiful newborn’s eyes and think:  “Oh, my gawd — I have to get ready for my ‘HOW I GOT MY BODY BACK!’ magazine shoot!”  It really should be a top priority, which is why we at The Laughing Stork have thoughtfully prepared a guide to help famous moms get ready for these all-important magazine covers.

1. DO request a healthy amount of retouching “assistance.”

2.  Do NOT remove your hands from your hips.  Ever.

3.  One exception:  You MAY remove one hand from the hip to triumphantly hoist baby in the air.  (Also be sure to note the “HOW I GOT MY BODY BACK!” uniform of choice:  a yellow bikini.)

4.  Do NOT simply the cradle the baby.  Hoist, Kendra, HOIST!  (And a blue bikini…?  Pssshhh.  Amateur.)

5.  If not in possession of a yellow bikini, DO wear a print that reflects your trademark elegance.

6.  DO benefit from a bandage dress that doesn’t allow breathing, but does flatter the figure.

7.  DO avoid the cheesiness of “HOW I GOT MY BODY BACK!” covers by being a bad-ass like Pink.

 

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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