The Mom-to-English Translation Guide

A handy guide to the things moms say — and what they actually mean.

WHEN TALKING TO ONE-YEAR-OLD

Uh-oh.  What happened?  The remote control doesn’t work!
TRANSLATION: I cannot BEAR to watch another second of Barney.

Mommy doesn’t like it when you bite.
TRANSLATION: OUCH!  F*CK!

Well, THAT driver wasn’t very nice, was he?
TRANSLATION: AS#HOLE CUT ME OFF!   F*CK!

You have to share nicely if you want people to share with YOU.
TRANSLATION: Unless we’re talking about mommy’s hidden cookie stash, in which case — HANDS OFF.

Why are you hitting your head on the wall over and over again?
TRANSLATION: I fear my child isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.

WHEN TALKING TO HUSBAND

The baby’s diaper is full.
TRANSLATION: It’s your turn to change it, buddy.

Our child is exhausting.
TRANSLATION: You’re not getting any tonight.

Interesting choice of clothes!
TRANSLATION: I can’t believe you dressed our child in that ridiculous get-up.  I am changing her outfit as soon as you turn your back.

Two kids is all that I can handle.
TRANSLATION: Time for you to get a snip-snip.

Do you really think the baby should be drinking apple juice?
TRANSLATION: The baby should not be drinking apple juice.