The Mom-to-English Translation Guide

A handy guide to the things moms say — and what they actually mean.

WHEN TALKING TO ONE-YEAR-OLD

Uh-oh.  What happened?  The remote control doesn’t work!
TRANSLATION: I cannot BEAR to watch another second of Barney.

Mommy doesn’t like it when you bite.
TRANSLATION: OUCH!  F*CK!

Well, THAT driver wasn’t very nice, was he?
TRANSLATION: AS#HOLE CUT ME OFF!   F*CK!

You have to share nicely if you want people to share with YOU.
TRANSLATION: Unless we’re talking about mommy’s hidden cookie stash, in which case — HANDS OFF.

Why are you hitting your head on the wall over and over again?

TRANSLATION: I fear my child isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.

WHEN TALKING TO HUSBAND

The baby’s diaper is full.
TRANSLATION: It’s your turn to change it, buddy.

Our child is exhausting.
TRANSLATION: You’re not getting any tonight.

Interesting choice of clothes!
TRANSLATION: I can’t believe you dressed our child in that ridiculous get-up.  I am changing her outfit as soon as you turn your back.

Two kids is all that I can handle.
TRANSLATION: Time for you to get a snip-snip.

Do you really think the baby should be drinking apple juice?
TRANSLATION: The baby should not be drinking apple juice.

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Candy

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur.

For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

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