A handy guide to the things moms say — and what they actually mean.
WHEN TALKING TO ONE-YEAR-OLD
Uh-oh. What happened? The remote control doesn’t work!
TRANSLATION: I cannot BEAR to watch another second of Barney.
Mommy doesn’t like it when you bite.
TRANSLATION: OUCH! F*CK!
Well, THAT driver wasn’t very nice, was he?
TRANSLATION: AS#HOLE CUT ME OFF! F*CK!
You have to share nicely if you want people to share with YOU.
TRANSLATION: Unless we’re talking about mommy’s hidden cookie stash, in which case — HANDS OFF.
Why are you hitting your head on the wall over and over again?
TRANSLATION: I fear my child isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.
WHEN TALKING TO HUSBAND
The baby’s diaper is full.
TRANSLATION: It’s your turn to change it, buddy.
Our child is exhausting.
TRANSLATION: You’re not getting any tonight.
Interesting choice of clothes!
TRANSLATION: I can’t believe you dressed our child in that ridiculous get-up. I am changing her outfit as soon as you turn your back.
Two kids is all that I can handle.
TRANSLATION: Time for you to get a snip-snip.
Do you really think the baby should be drinking apple juice?
TRANSLATION: The baby should not be drinking apple juice.