Ron Burgundy’s Top 5 Excuses for Not Changing Diapers

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Rumor has it that Ron Burgundy will have a baby in the Anchorman sequel, so we thought it would be appropriate to republish this…

Will Ferrell, who has three sons under the age of 7 with wife Viveca, revealed that he puts his foot down when it comes to dirty diapers.

“I refuse to do it,” he told People Magazine at the Toronto International Film Festival. “I let my wife do it. I’m not so good with it.”

Oh Will.  Will, Will, Will.  Sure, all parents have their own responsibility-sharing arrangements that may work for them.  But, as Amy Poehler and Seth Myers would wisely ask on SNL’s Weekend Update, “Really?”

If you’re going to “refuse” to help with one of the least attractive aspects of parenting, at least make up a more colorful excuse than “I’m not so good with it.”  Here are some more entertaining excuses for you, Will, that I’ve fabricated based on inspiration from your movie character — perhaps one of my favorite characters of all time — Anchorman Ron Burgundy.

Ron Burgundy’s Top 5 Excuses for Not Changing Diapers

5.  “I’m very important.  I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.  I can’t risk contaminating my delicious-smelling books with the stench of that baby’s Lincoln Logs!”

4.  “Ooohhh, it’s the deep burn. Oh, it’s so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm ’cause I did so many curls. I don’t know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.  Phew!  No way do I have the strength to change a diaper after that!”

3.  [The baby cries because his diaper is full]  RON: “You know I don’t speak Spanish.”

2.  As explained to new colleague Veronica Corningstone:

VERONICA: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.

RON:  I’m not a baby, I’m a man! I am an anchorman!

VERONICA: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke!

RON: I’m a man who discovered the wheel, and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn! That’s what kind of man I am. You’re just a woman with a small brain.  With a brain a third the size of us.  It’s science.  That’s why you change the diapers and we…

VERONICA:  … Wear them?

RON: Exactly.

1.  RON:  [After finally agreeing to change a particularly nasty diaper]  “I immediately regret this decision.”

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur. For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

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3 Comments

  1. ImmaBe

    Sep 14, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    hahahaha! love that movie.

  2. Freya

    Sep 14, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    This is awesome.

  3. Eric Castelli

    Sep 16, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    I am gonna have to try these excuses to not change diapers.

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