10 Pregnancy Tips That Marissa Mayer Could Really Use

“Wait — you’re saying my feet are going to grow THIS big?!”

When Marissa Mayer signed on to be Yahoo’s new CEO, she received a compensation package reportedly worth at least $60 million, with millions in salary and stock and bonuses—plus something no other Fortune 500 CEO has ever gotten before: an endless supply of unsolicited pregnancy advice.

There is just something about pregnancy that invites unwelcome suggestions and judgment, as Mayer has quickly learned.  Perhaps instead of criticizing Mayer’s decision to take the reins of a huge corporation while she’s pregnant, and telling her what kind of maternity leave she should or shouldn’t take, we should offer the woman some advice she might actually find helpful, such as:

The Top 10 Pregnancy Tips That Marissa Mayer Could Really Use

10. Despite being a former Google employee, Marissa, do not use Google to diagnose pregnancy “quirks” or determine whether that turkey sandwich is going to give you Listeria or as a substitute for your OB in any way—unless you want to unnecessarily stress yourself out even more.

9. Start saying “goodbye” to those gorgeous heels in your closet—because your feet may very well grow a half, or even full, size after pregnancy. Good thing your new salary will cover a new pair of pumps… or 50.

8. That uncomfortable feeling in your chest may not be a reaction to the latest shareholder meeting. Heartburn, as I learned all too well, is quite common in the tail-end of pregnancy.

7. Although you have many things on your “to do” list, such as preparing for a baby and turning around a multi-billion-dollar company, be sure to carve out time to do something almost as important: seeing a movie in the theater. Because you may not get a chance to do so again for another, oh, 18 years.

6. If an employee rubs your belly, she or he is pretty much asking to be fired on the spot. I think most anyone would agree.

Read the rest of my pregnancy tips for Marissa (that she’s totally going to read, of course) on Disney’s BabyZone.com…

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Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).