10 Questions I Wish Oprah Would Ask the Kardashians

“Who wants better RAAAAAAATINGS?”

When I saw that Oprah had invited the Kardashian family to appear on her show, “Oprah’s Next Chapter,” I shook my head and sighed, “Oh, Oprah, honey, no.”  But, now that I see the publicity the interview (set to air this weekend) is already garnering for O (yes, she and I are so close, we’re on a first initial basis), I guess I can understand why she’s lowered herself to this level.  Media outlets are hailing O for asking “hard-hitting” questions such as “Would you be where you are had there not been a sex tape,” and “When people say that your last marriage was a stunt, how does that make you feel,” and “Was there ever a moment where you asked yourself, ‘Am I pimping my kids?‘ and “What are you actually famous for?”  More aggressive than most of the softballs lobbed at the Kardashians, perhaps, but still…here are the questions I wish Oprah would have asked the family:

10. “Think fast, Kardashians:  nine times seven equals WHAT?!”

9.  “Kim, how many times a day do you fantasize about going up to Paris Hilton and scoffing BWA-HA-HAAAAA, SUCKA! in her face?”

8.  “Kris, you’re obviously a progressive woman.  Tell us about the highs and lows of being in a longtime lesbian marriage.”

7.  “You don’t play any role with the boutiques.  You don’t lend anything particularly interesting to the show.  You’re 25 years old.  Has it ever occurred to you, Rob, to get a job?”

6.  “Lamar, you were once a championship-winning NBA player with a $33 million contract with one of the best teams in basketball and now… well, do you regret marrying into the Kardashian family?”

5.  “Kim and Kris:  I’ll give one million dollars to whomever can show sign of movement in her forehead first.  Go!”

4.  “Do you think the country’s budget plan should focus more on job creation or spending cuts?  Why?”

3.  “Kim and Kourtney:  You were obviously born with monotone-itis, a rare condition that strips all inflection from your voice.  Tell us about the heartbreaking challenges of living with that condition.”

2.  “Bruce, your legacy has devolved from Olympic champion to side-player on ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’  How does that make you feel?”

1.  “As far as the sex tape is concerned, Kim, what is your biggest regret:  not engaging in more interesting positions — Missionary?  Please! — or not using a tripod?  Because if Stedman and I have learned anything over the years, it’s that you should NEVER try holding the camera yourself.  Sure, you get some interesting angles, but it’s impossible to get a steady shot, is it not?”