The Laughing Stork

The Attack of the Haze’s Haze

You might remember my post from six months ago describing the haze of exhaustion clouding my life, a haze caused by a certain baby boy who refused to sleep at night.  I won’t name names, but his name rhymes with Drew.

Whoops.  I’m too tired to think of anything that rhymes with his name.  Besides, not much does rhyme with Drew except words starting with almost every letter of the alphabet.

You might also think that, because I haven’t followed up with any additional posts about The Haze, that my son has started sleeping through the night as so many wonderful, nearly one-year-old children do.  Well, no offense, but if you think that then you are OUT OF YOUR MIND because my son still wakes up two-to-three times at night.  I haven’t written about his nighttime stinker-ness (totally a word, more typically found in dictionaries for moms who have run out of words to describe their stinker-ish kids) because what else is there to say, really, except that I am at my wits’ end and beyond tired.

Just how tired ARE you, Candy?

Thank you for asking!

  1. I am SO tired that I handed the pacifier to one of the cats yesterday.
  2. I am SO tired that I brushed my teeth with facial cream.  (My teeth have never looked more taut.)
  3. I am SO tired that I searched the entire kitchen, including the contents of the trash can, for the lid that goes on Skye’s apple juice,  (It was on the kitchen counter.)
  4. I am SO tired that I haven’t had the energy to do my own laundry in months.  So I just buy new underwear every time we go to Target.
  5. I am SO tired even my haze has its own haze at this point.

The theme of this post is subtle, I know, so I’ll make it more clear:  I’m tired.

Drew goes to sleep easily.  I feed him, sing to him, put him in his crib, and he rolls over and closes his eyes.  Ta-freakin’-da.  It’s staying asleep that seems to be the problem.  He often wakes up at 9:30, midnight, 4:30 a.m. and then announces he’s ready to hang out around 6 a.m. or earlier.  Some nights he’ll wake up at “only” one of those intervals, other times he’ll wake up even more.  Regardless, our response is always the same:  compassionate and concerned.

DREW (OVER THE MONITOR):  Waaaaa!

MR. CANDY AND I:  OH MY GOD, GO THE F*CK BACK TO SLEEP, KID!

I usually am the one to get Drew because I will nurse him (therein lies one of the reasons he wakes up, I know, so we’ll see what happens when I wean him over the next couple weeks), which immediately puts him back to sleep.  Also, Mr. Candy maintains his incredible (read: incredibly annoying) ability to SLEEP through the cries, so I figure I might as well go since I’m already awake and boost my spirits by ripping the warm covers off Mr. Candy’s sleeping body on my way out.

We have tried most all of the suggested sleep tips, barring letting him “cry it out” (my heart isn’t strong enough to bear the cries longer than 10-15 minutes) or weaning him or playing an Al Gore podcast on repeat.  He has a regular, comforting bedtime routine.  We use white noise.  We have covered the windows with blackout curtains.  We have tried putting him to bed earlier.  We have tried putting him to bed later.  We have stuffed his face until milk and pasta sauce literally oozed from his pores, in hopes that a full belly would translate to a full night’s sleep.  We have put him in an empty crib.  We have put him in a crib with a couple of his favorite stuffed animals.  The result is always the same:

DREW (OVER THE MONITOR):  Waaaaa!

MR. CANDY AND I:  OH MY GOD, GO THE F*CK BACK TO SLEEP, KID!

A whole year of this nonsense, people.  You know what that means:  If he keeps this up after he’s weaned, we’re going to have to buy a new home just to house all of my new underwear.

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Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur.

6 comments

  • i don’t mean to make you feel worse but my son didnt sleep thru the night till he was 2 years old!! sometimes i would even have to sleep in the room with him and then sneak out because he wouldn’t fall asleep on his own. i miss his baby years but i sure don’t miss all of that lol!!

  • Curious why you don’t sleep while the kids are in daycare? We love your site to death Candy but we totally understand about sleep deprivation and could live with a reduced posting schedule while you catch up on the last three years.

    • Very good question. Every morning I say, “I am SO taking a nap while the kids are at school today.” Then by the time I feed them, play with them, get them ready and drive them to school, I get a surge of adrenaline and no longer feel like napping. I’m also the worst napper in the world and envy my husband’s ability to fall asleep anywhere, any time. It’s a gift, one that I don’t have.

      I’m also a night owl so I have a hard time falling asleep before midnight. I try, oh, I try… but I just toss and turn. Then by the time I finally close my eyes, it’s time to get Drew at his midnight waking.

      Quite a sob story, I know!

  • And…HOLY CRAP – That post was from SIX MONTHS AGO???????? Could have sworn it was six weeks ago. Time flies!

  • Not that this helps either, but I feel for you too. I hope the weaning helps and you can start catching up on your sleep soon!

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