Listen Up, Ladies: Guys Reveal Fave Mattress Moves!

If you’ve been too busy working and taking care of your family to GET busy, you’re in luck:  that especially lusty member of the family of women’s magazines, Cosmopolitan, has published a CliffsNote’s guide to men’s “all-time favorite mattress moves.”  That’s right, ALL-TIME FAVORITES!

Here’s what they — and I — had to say:

JAMIE: “I can’t be the only guy who loves when a woman licks that soft patch of skin in front of my ears.”

CANDY:  If you close your eyes, a St. Bernard would be happy to the same. And won’t expect you to call in the morning.

DONNY: “When I lean in to kiss you, hold the back of my head gently in your hand. It’s tender yet sexy.”

CANDY: That’s your favorite move EVER?   Hmmm.  Your wife must be listening.

TY: “Seeing a woman’s lips glide over the neck of a beer bottle always makes me think of her mouth on me.”

CANDY:  That’s interesting. When I glide my lips over the neck of a beer bottle, I always think — why am I sucking on this instead of the opening? Must be time for another Sam Adams!

JAKOB:  “Once, my office phone rang, and when I answered, I heard my girlfriend at home moaning about how good it feels to touch herself.”

CANDY:  Unfortunately, she forgot to ask if she was on speakerphone.

KEN: “The night after I got a big promotion, my girlfriend said she was going to give me only oral sex all night.”

CANDY:  Sadly, that was the last thing she said before suffering permanent lockjaw.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).