If you’ve been too busy working and taking care of your family to GET busy, you’re in luck: that especially lusty member of the family of women’s magazines, Cosmopolitan, has published a CliffsNote’s guide to men’s “all-time favorite mattress moves.” That’s right, ALL-TIME FAVORITES!
Here’s what they — and I — had to say:
JAMIE: “I can’t be the only guy who loves when a woman licks that soft patch of skin in front of my ears.”
CANDY: If you close your eyes, a St. Bernard would be happy to the same. And won’t expect you to call in the morning.
DONNY: “When I lean in to kiss you, hold the back of my head gently in your hand. It’s tender yet sexy.”
CANDY: That’s your favorite move EVER? Hmmm. Your wife must be listening.
TY: “Seeing a woman’s lips glide over the neck of a beer bottle always makes me think of her mouth on me.”
CANDY: That’s interesting. When I glide my lips over the neck of a beer bottle, I always think — why am I sucking on this instead of the opening? Must be time for another Sam Adams!
JAKOB: “Once, my office phone rang, and when I answered, I heard my girlfriend at home moaning about how good it feels to touch herself.”
CANDY: Unfortunately, she forgot to ask if she was on speakerphone.
KEN: “The night after I got a big promotion, my girlfriend said she was going to give me only oral sex all night.”
CANDY: Sadly, that was the last thing she said before suffering permanent lockjaw.