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Top 10 Signs My Toddler is Driving a Car on the Road

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Top 10 Signs My Toddler is Driving a Car on the Road

As you can see, our kids are ready to hit the streets of Los Angeles in their sweet wheels, so I just wanted to give fellow drivers a heads up.  If you notice any of the following warning signs, well, then my toddler may just be driving that car in front of you.

Top 10 Signs My Toddler is Driving a Car on the Road

10.  Has a bumper sticker that says, “I BRAKE FOR CHEERIOS.  BUT NOT SO MUCH FOR PEOPLE, OTHER CARS OR WALLS.”

9.  If you ask her to please go faster, she will slow down to a frustrating snail’s pace.

8.  Drives erratically due to DUIS (driving under the influence of sugar).

7.  Points at drivers who cut her off and yells, “That car needs a time-out!” (as she yells, much to my embarrassment, when I grumble at other drivers).

6.  Drives environmentally-friendly foot-powered vehicle.

5.  Screams “NO, DON’T WANT TO!” when a red sign demands that she “STOP.”

4.  Stops to collect dirty rocks, dead leaves and discarded chewing gum off the road.

3.  Has problems sharing the road with others:  “MINE!”

2.  Tries to get out of speeding tickets by insisting, “No, Curious George do it!”

1.  Eschews car washes in favor of wiping down car with brand new Ralph Lauren dress.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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