What We Can Learn About Pregnancy and Parenthood from the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” Trailer

I read most every pregnancy book under the sun when I was pregnant with my first child (with my second, I just smoked my crack pipe and hoped for the best), including the “pregnancy bible,” What to Expect When You’re Expecting.  According to that book, I learned that pretty much every little ache, pain and irritation was a sign that my baby would be born with a forked tongue and five heads.  Also, to make sure I didn’t balloon to the size of the Titanic and to keep my fork-tongued-baby healthy, I needed to avoid…everything.  Yes, a very realistic and not-at-all-alarmist guide to pregnancy!

So imagine my delight when I found out they were making a movie based on this book!  Because if anything screams “ADAPT ME!,” it’s a guide with nail-biting plot twists such as the week your fetus grows to the size of an heirloom tomato.  (SPOILER ALERT:  It’s week 19.)

When I saw the trailer for the movie, I noticed they took a few, um, creative liberties with the book and imparted even more helpful insights about pregnancy and parenthood.  So for those of you considering starting a family, here is some food for thought from the screenwriters behind What to Expect When You’re Expecting:

–Pregnancy will make you adorably unstable; nay, it will make you COMPLETELY UNHINGED, especially if you’re addressing a large group of people.  Thankfully, those people will just smile and nod dismissively, “Oh, she’s just a crazy pregnant chick.”

–Pregnancy will likely make you look miserable and matronly, even if you’re Elizabeth Banks.

–Dads let their babies eat cigarette butts AND THAT IS OKAY.  Geesh!  Don’t judge.

–Women are controlling shrews who manipulate their dopey husbands.

–Breastfeeding often leads to nursing your child until she’s six years old.

–If your husband is thirty years older than you, you will be surprised if people think he’s your dad.

–Pregnancy gives you a big rack that you should squeeze for the benefit of men watching.

–If you want to glow and be attractive during pregnancy, you need to look like Brooklyn Decker.

What we can expect: Sales of condoms to go through the roof because nobody is going to want to get pregnant after seeing this trailer.