I’ve already outed myself as an over-the-hill Fresh Beat Band groupie, so there’s no sense in pretending I don’t put my rock star jacket on and jam to their CD in the car long after I’ve dropped off the kids at daycare — or that Mr. Candy and I don’t spend an unhealthy amount of time ruminating over why Old Marina (a.k.a. Shayna Rose) left the show, thereby devastating legions of similarly obsessed parents (my toddler, on the other hand, can’t tell the difference between the two Marinas, even when watching older and newer episodes back-to-back). Shayna claims she left to “get married and pursue other opportunities,” but could there be more to it? A pressing question we’ll further explore in my list of…
Top 10 Theories Explaining Why Shayna Rose REALLY Left The Fresh Beat Band
10. Came down with a debilitating and incurable case of Loco Legs.
9. Tired of creepy dads asking if they can help take her Rock Star Jacket OFF.
8. Decided she could retire happily after achieving life goal…
…of getting to smell Justin Bieber’s hair. (Scent: lilac.)
7. Two words: smoothie rehab.
6. A scandalous affair with Twist left her pregnant with their love-child.
In fact, here is a picture of their baby, just one day old…!
5. Left in shame after losing a dance-off with The Fresh Beat mini-mes (a.k.a. “The Junior Beats”).
4. She was sick and tired of the diva behavior of certain castmates.
3. When Lindsay Lohan flushed her career down the toilet, Shayna thought she could step in and nab her movie roles… until Emma Stone did. D’oh.
2. She quit the show, furious, when a “Freeze Dance” gone awry left her frozen in this very position for months.
1. There was only enough room in the cast for one person with a porn star name. (While Shayna Rose left, Jon Beavers remains.)