Dear Snooki: An Inspiring Parenting Advice Column from the Pregnant ‘Jersey Shore’ Star

Mar 8, 2012 | Filed Under: Celebrities | Tags: Advice Column, Parody, Reality Stars, Snooki

As many of you are surely aware, Jersey Shore‘s very own epitome of elegance, Snooki, has confirmed she is indeed pregnant. Which is great news for pregnant women and new moms seeking advice, because who better to impart her maternal wisdom than the woman who has dispensed familial insights such as: “[Vinny]‘s like my big brother, I love him… but usually you don’t have sex with your big brother.”

Usually.

So welcome to Snooki’s new parenting advice column!

Dear Snooki:

I am the proud new mother of a baby boy and, like so many parents, have become increasingly concerned about the state of the world he is inheriting. Could you please share your ideas about how to make the world a better place for our children and our children’s children, such as recycling tips or political campaigns in which to get involved?

Green-Minded Mom in Connecticut

Hey Green,

I’m a total politics fan. Like, I don’t go tanning anymore because Obama put a ten percent tax on tanning. I feel like he did that intentionally for us, like McCain woulda never put a ten percent tax on tanning because he is pale and he would probably wanna be tanned.

I feel like our kids have a right to know that, ya know?

Dear Snooki:

Like you, I am a young pregnant woman and I want to make sure I have the right tools to be a good mother to my child, starting right now in-utero. It would help to know what, if anything, in your life has prepared you for pregnancy and the journey of motherhood?

Young West Coast Mom-to-Be

Hey Be,

Eating fried pickles was a life-changing experience for me. I mean, eating pickles is my thing and knocked up chicks are all about pickles and fried sh*t so… getting knocked up was kinda my destination. …Destiny? Whatever.

Dear Snooki:

Between you and me, I’m secretly concerned my husband isn’t ready for the responsibilities that come along with fatherhood — and our baby is due in two weeks! How did you know your boyfriend was good daddy material?

Secretly Concerned

Hey Secretly,

I got a secret too…I didn’t really plan this baby thing. When I woke up one morning and saw a clean rubber on the bed I was like, what did I do last night? Like, what did I do? I f*cked up… story of my life.

But it’s okay cuz Jionni can be a nice guy, like, he shows his good side then he shows his jerk off side. That’s what I think kids need in a father: a good guy and a jerk off, it’s all in the same.

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About Candy

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur. For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.