2012 Oscars Fashion Roundup from the Perspective of a Mom

Feb 27, 2012 | Filed Under: Fashion Police, Pop Culture | Tags: Oscars

Becoming a mother has changed my outlook on the world, and the fashion at the Oscars is no exception. In fact, I have some thoughts about tonight’s red carpet looks that I would like to get off my chest. Here is what I would say to some of the attendees if I were their mother (lord help them):

Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz

Jenny! Cover up, young lady! You’re going to give your father a heart attack.

And Cameron…you look like you have to use the potty. Do you need to use the potty? How many times do I have to tell you to use the potty BEFORE we leave the house for the Oscars?

Angelina Jolie

Why, you’re skin and bones, Angie! Here, sit down and don’t you get up until you’ve eaten ALL of your chicken nuggets and french fries and washed them down with this milkshake, you understand?

Melissa McCarthy

You are 41 years old. When are you going to learn I can’t iron all of your clothes for you?

Brad Pitt

I don’t care if all your friends have “The Rachel”; it looks ridiculous on you. If all your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do that, too? Hmmmm?

Viola Davis

Look at the bottom half of your dress! If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times — stay away from mommy’s scissors!

George Clooney and Stacey Keibler

*Sigh* She’s the closest thing to a grandchild you’re going to give me, isn’t she, Georgie?

Nancy O'Dell

Okay, first I catch you squinting at cue cards and now you wear THIS? That’s it — I’m making an appointment at the eye doctor for you first thing in the morning!

Jason Segel

Straighten your tie, young man.

Bridesmaids' Wendi McLendon-Covey

Have fun at prom! But remember: If your date pressures you to do anything you’re not ready for, JUST SAY NO. Even if you think you’re ready, JUST SAY NO.

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About Candy

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur. For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.