Mammary and Vaginal Jewelry That All New Moms Can Enjoy!

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Breastfeeding is considered beautiful by many, embodying nourishment and that sacred connection between mother and child.  So what could be more beautiful than celebrating that bond through artistry…

Um.  Hmmmm.  Are those breasts WEEPING?  Let’s see what the designer has to say:

In support of publicly-nursing mamas everywhere, I created this highly-unsubtle charm depicting 2 breasts, full of milk. I added a tiny drop of the “booby juice” to make it extra unmistakable! Nipples may arrive in pink or light brown.  **Now available with double drops of milk!

Of course.  Those aren’t tears — that is BOOBY JUICE!  (Note to self:  Start incorporating “booby juice” into everyday conversation.)

Thankfully, the designer didn’t end her style tribute to the maternal body there.  Oh no!  Behold the Crowning Necklace:

Almost abstract enough to be chic, no?  (Almost.)  As the designer aptly noted, “there is nothing like watching a baby’s head emerging from within his mother’s womb, stretching her healthy perineum. . . labia majora available in light or dark skin tones, baby’s head available in light or dark skin tones.”

Nothing like it indeed!   In fact, I already plan to have Mr. Candy take a picture of this very event — The Baby’s Stretching of the Healthy Perineum, that is — and place it in a locket.  So be on the lookout:  Candy’s Crowning Lockets will be sold in the site’s merchandise section as soon as said healthy perineum is properly stretched!  ($49.99; Candy’s umbilical cord bracelets to be sold separately.)

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur. For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

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8 Comments

  1. Rebecca

    Jul 15, 2009 at 2:39 am

    “How d’ya like your coffe, honey? Sugar, milk or booby juice?”
    Hillarious.

  2. Jenni

    Jul 15, 2009 at 5:42 am

    Why does the baby’s head look like that? Hmm, maybe a realistic head would have not been tasteful. Haha.

  3. Jenn F.

    Jul 18, 2009 at 5:27 pm

    I wonder how many they’ve sold?

    *crickets chirping*

  4. Peta

    Jul 18, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    Perfect jewelry for the next church picnic.

  5. Michael C

    Jul 21, 2009 at 1:10 am

    That looks like a bowling ball coming out!!

    Yikes

  6. raincoaster

    Aug 20, 2009 at 12:46 am

    “Ma’am, your baby is biracial.”

  7. Zarbod

    Sep 21, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    I think they should print a map of the globe on the head. That way it would me moving and meaningful–and Educational.

  8. LeighBinATL

    Mar 26, 2010 at 11:48 am

    Um, I really think this falls under the heading of things you should not do with polymer clay. Ugh!

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