Mammary and Vaginal Jewelry That All New Moms Can Enjoy!

Dec 15, 2011 | Filed Under: Style | Tags: Breastfeeding, Hmmmm, Stylin'

Breastfeeding is considered beautiful by many, embodying nourishment and that sacred connection between mother and child. So what could be more beautiful than celebrating that bond through artistry…

Um. Hmmmm. Are those breasts WEEPING? Let’s see what the designer has to say:

In support of publicly-nursing mamas everywhere, I created this highly-unsubtle charm depicting 2 breasts, full of milk. I added a tiny drop of the “booby juice” to make it extra unmistakable! Nipples may arrive in pink or light brown. **Now available with double drops of milk!

Of course. Those aren’t tears — that is BOOBY JUICE! (Note to self: Start incorporating “booby juice” into everyday conversation.)

Thankfully, the designer didn’t end her style tribute to the maternal body there. Oh no! Behold the Crowning Necklace:

Almost abstract enough to be chic, no? (Almost.) As the designer aptly noted, “there is nothing like watching a baby’s head emerging from within his mother’s womb, stretching her healthy perineum. . . labia majora available in light or dark skin tones, baby’s head available in light or dark skin tones.”

Nothing like it indeed! In fact, I already plan to have Mr. Candy take a picture of this very event — The Baby’s Stretching of the Healthy Perineum, that is — and place it in a locket. So be on the lookout: Candy’s Crowning Lockets will be sold in the site’s merchandise section as soon as said healthy perineum is properly stretched! ($49.99; Candy’s umbilical cord bracelets to be sold separately.)

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8 Comments

About Candy

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur. For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

8 Responses to “Mammary and Vaginal Jewelry That All New Moms Can Enjoy!”

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Rebecca says:

“How d’ya like your coffe, honey? Sugar, milk or booby juice?”
Hillarious.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:39 am - Reply
Jenni says:

Why does the baby’s head look like that? Hmm, maybe a realistic head would have not been tasteful. Haha.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:42 am - Reply
Jenn F. says:

I wonder how many they’ve sold?

*crickets chirping*
July 18th, 2009 at 5:27 pm - Reply
Peta says:

Perfect jewelry for the next church picnic.
July 18th, 2009 at 8:54 pm - Reply
Michael C says:

That looks like a bowling ball coming out!!

Yikes
July 21st, 2009 at 1:10 am - Reply
raincoaster says:

“Ma’am, your baby is biracial.”
August 20th, 2009 at 12:46 am - Reply
Zarbod says:

I think they should print a map of the globe on the head. That way it would me moving and meaningful–and Educational.
September 21st, 2009 at 8:47 pm - Reply
LeighBinATL says:

Um, I really think this falls under the heading of things you should not do with polymer clay. Ugh!
March 26th, 2010 at 11:48 am - Reply