Mammary and Vaginal Jewelry That All New Moms Can Enjoy!

Breastfeeding is considered beautiful by many, embodying nourishment and that sacred connection between mother and child.  So what could be more beautiful than celebrating that bond through artistry…

Um.  Hmmmm.  Are those breasts WEEPING?  Let’s see what the designer has to say:

In support of publicly-nursing mamas everywhere, I created this highly-unsubtle charm depicting 2 breasts, full of milk. I added a tiny drop of the “booby juice” to make it extra unmistakable! Nipples may arrive in pink or light brown.  **Now available with double drops of milk!

Of course.  Those aren’t tears — that is BOOBY JUICE!  (Note to self:  Start incorporating “booby juice” into everyday conversation.)

Thankfully, the designer didn’t end her style tribute to the maternal body there.  Oh no!  Behold the Crowning Necklace:

Almost abstract enough to be chic, no?  (Almost.)  As the designer aptly noted, “there is nothing like watching a baby’s head emerging from within his mother’s womb, stretching her healthy perineum. . . labia majora available in light or dark skin tones, baby’s head available in light or dark skin tones.”

Nothing like it indeed!   In fact, I already plan to have Mr. Candy take a picture of this very event — The Baby’s Stretching of the Healthy Perineum, that is — and place it in a locket.  So be on the lookout:  Candy’s Crowning Lockets will be sold in the site’s merchandise section as soon as said healthy perineum is properly stretched!  ($49.99; Candy’s umbilical cord bracelets to be sold separately.)

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Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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