Top 10 Signs Your Child Has Consumed Too Much Halloween Candy

Halloween is a delightful American holiday that gives pumpkins a reason to exist, young ladies carte blanche to dress like streetwalkers and children an excuse to eat an obscene amount of candy.  Fun!  If you suspect your child has consumed too much candy, here are 10 tell-tale signs:

10.  Your child looks like this:

9.  Your child is out on the street corner, pimping out her Barbie for another hit of Snickers.

8.  Your child learned the hard way that kids do not literally bounce off walls.  (*SPLAT*)

7.  The Hershey Company called your child to personally thank her for making this their best fourth quarter yet.

6.  Your child can’t sit down without unbuttoning her OshKosh B’Gosh jeans, Al Bundy-style, first.

5.  The rate at which your child is talking makes Robin Williams sound like he has a slow drawl in comparison.

4.  Your child’s diaper is full of rainbow-colored Skittles.

3.  The next morning, her first words are:  “I’M NEVER EATING CANDY AGAIN.”  (Ha, haaaa!)

2.  Sugarcane farmers are asking if they can harvest your kid’s sweat.

1.  Even all the candy corn and Good & Plenties are gone.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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  • November 1st – every teacher’s worst day of the year! And who still gives out Good & Plenties? Gross.