Lost: My Marbles

To give you an idea of how my week is going, I just mindlessly stuffed my daughter’s pants into the Diaper Genie instead of her diaper.

To give you an even better idea of how my week is going, I wrote that sentence 24 hours ago, pre-baby waking up at 9:30 p.m. and refusing to go back to sleep until 4 a.m., then further refusing to nap all day.  Which is why this is the first time I’ve had a chance to write since then.

Pass me a vodka tonic, would ya?  Hold the tonic.

Mr. Candy is on a too-long business trip right now, rendering me even slower than usual and giving me a renewed respect for single parents.  Seriously, single parents.  HOW DO YOU DO IT?  Just managing the logistics of two kids two and under by myself is enough to make me want to stick my head in the oven.  If only to finally know what an oven looks like before I keel over from fatal exhaustion.

Getting out the door with two little ones is hard enough — by the time I’ve dressed the kids, gathered the diapers, grabbed entertainment for the car ride, prepared snacks, searched for my daughter’s shoes, found my keys, changed the newly pooped baby diaper and returned inside to get the kids I — oops! — left behind — Skye has become old enough to enroll in college.  And, thus, decidedly less enthusiastic about the Barney ABCs video I’ve downloaded onto the iPad for her.

But coordinating bedtime with a two-year-old and a three-month-old by yourself…?  Even harder than coordinating a meeting between all of Charlie Sheen’s personalities.  For me it is, at least, given these are the stairs in our house:

No!  I kid!  Ours are way steeper.  And more numerous.

Yeah, a three-level townhouse with bedrooms on different floors (plus an underground garage with — you guessed it! — more stairs) isn’t exactly ideal for carting around and coordinating the lives of two young kids.  So while Mr. Candy is on the road, bedtime becomes quite the juggling act.  My plan is to keep Skye entertained with the iPad on the first floor as I put Drew to sleep on the second floor, then return to Skye and spend quality time together before her bedtime routine on the third floor.

But you know what they say about the best-laid plans:  they go to sh*t when the toddler grows tired of Toy Story and the baby won’t sleep.

After a lot of running up and down the stairs between the two kids, and a lot of singing Wheels on the Bus with Miss Skye as I put her to bed, and a lot of early morning hours comforting Drew* this past week, I’m spent.  My mind?  Toast.  There is only one thought in my weary head…

Skye’s pants!  Damn.  I forgot about them.

There’s not enough Spray ‘n’ Wash in the world to save them now.

*In the little man’s defense, he’s still sick. Yup. It’s been a month now. The doctor-recommended Nebulizer machine hasn’t done much to help his cough or breathing, so it’s back to the doctor’s tomorrow. Good times!

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

8 CommentsLeave a comment

  • So so understand where you’re coming from! I may not have a three story town house but my midgets share a bedroom 🙁 and Reid had colic from day one, and STILL hasn’t slept through the night (he’s 16 months old now), and contrary to popular belief ( aka everyone’s unsolicited opinion) I can’t just let him cry it out. Why you ask? Because it wakes up his sister whom is sleeping 15 inches away from his crib and he has the same cry/shriek as a banshee. I raise my cup of triple espresso as a sign of solidarity of the tired momma’s every where!

    • 16 months old and still not sleeping through the night? Oy. Yes, I will join you in that triple espresso toast!

  • I think you need a nanny! Maybe not full-time, but just when Mr. Candy is out of town.

    And, Sir Drew, I hope you feel better soon!

    • We’ve discussed getting help for a few hours a day until Drew is in daycare but — despite my exhaustion — I think I’m just going to try to savor this time with him. And whine about it sometimes. 😉

      Sir Drew thanks you for the well wishes! Doctor suggested more frequent Nebulizer treatments. Fingers crossed…

  • Yes, I’m laughing, but I also sympathize. My baby girl has been sick for 2 months, thinks 2 half hour naps a day are quite enough thank-you-very-much and my two year old boy is on his own personal quest to open and empty every single closet/shelf/storage unit in the house. I could list a thousand things more but I don’t have the time to write it down and you don’t have the time to read it. So I say this Friday night is take-a-night-off night for all moms out there who are doing the baby+toddler juggling act. I’m ordering pizza! (I know, I know, I’m quite the wild one)

    • What’s up with these sick babies?

      Have fun with your crazy night o’ pizza! It’s well-deserved. My husband just got home from his trip, so I’m going wild by going to bed at 8 p.m. Woo-hoo!

  • Look at the bright side: Just think of how toned your legs will be after so much going upstairs and downstairs several times a day 🙂

  • I won’t be complaining about the one flight of stairs in my home anymore. You definitely don’t need to workout do you. Sounds like you have a busy life. I know the feeling because my husband is gone alot for work and I’m on my own most of the time. Pass me the vodka when you are done with it!