The “Whoa” Report: Texas Mom Delivers 16-Pound Baby

Well, there go my bragging rights.  A Texas mom, who must have heard about my almost ten-pounder and decided to put us to shame, gave birth yesterday to a boy weighing — get this — 16 pounds, one ounce.  Or, as they say in the medical community:  WHOA.

Doctors say JaMichael Brown is one of the biggest newborns they’ve ever seen, and possibly one of the biggest births in Texas history.

“Everybody was amazed that he was so big,” surprised mama, Janet Johnson, 39, said. “I don’t think too many people have heard of having a 16-pound baby.”

No.  Thank goodness.  Although that would be a good story to share with teenagers in Sex Ed class.

Johnson, who was expecting a 12-pound baby but nothing close to 16 pounds, has gestational diabetes, which results in bigger newborns for many mothers.   I am happy to report the baby was delivered by C-section.

Guinness World Records says the heaviest newborn ever recorded weighed 23 pounds, 12 ounces, born to an Ohio woman in 1879.  Or, as they say in the medical community:  DOUBLE WHOA.

JaMichael, whose father is 6-foot-7, seems to be healthy, thankfully, and was likely to be transferred from the neonatal intensive care unit into the regular nursery yesterday.  Mama Johnson said she hoped to get her son home later this week — and return his newborn clothes that won’t fit.

Not to mention, Mama Johnson said, get her son out of the spotlight finally.

“It’s gotten overwhelming,” Mama Johnson said. “But if I had heard of someone having a 16-pound baby, I would probably want to have heard about it, too.”

On the bright side, JaMichael is big enough to drive himself home!  (Hey, Drew and I were subjected to all of the silly jokes, too.  What goes around…)

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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