Ruining Mango Frozen Yogurt for Everyone

Another weekend has come and gone — I’m officially full-term at 37 weeks, baby! — with nary a peep from Sir Baby Freedom.  Nope, no peeps despite doing most everything my doctors had told me to avoid during bed rest, including resuming my (downsized) caffeine habit and lugging Lazy Princess Skylar up and down our never-ending stairs, and even up and down a not-exactly-small sand dune in Malibu this weekend.  Freedom seems to be in no hurry to come out now, most likely because he read the disappointing reviews for The Hangover Part II.  Not to mention he’s gotten rather cozy in his current digs, setting up his Barcalounger directly on my sciatic nerve.   It feels AWESOME.  Especially when it sends shooting pains down my butt and turns my legs into Jell-O in the middle of Pinkberry, nearly making me toss my cup of mango frozen yogurt into my crotch.  Oh well.  At least it would have disguised the fact that I had peed my pants from a mere sneeze minutes before.

I know, I know… I’ve never been sexier.  But really.  What pregnant woman hasn’t had somebody stare at her crotch and wonder, Pee or mango?*

As the Baby Freedom Arrival countdown continues, I thought that you betting pool entrants might like to see where you stand against the competition**.  In the event that he should arrive on a day with multiple entrants in a time frame that was not selected, then his birth weight will serve as the tie-breaker.   Just click on the spreadsheet to enlarge and scoff at your competition’s guesses.

*Don’t look at me like that.  At least I didn’t mention the swirl option.

**Smack-talking amongst entrants is highly encouraged by The Blog.  Especially when you’re able to work in a mention of pee or mango.  Bonus points for mentioning the swirl option.

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Candy

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur.

For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

4 CommentsLeave a comment

  • I highly advise you to take a really long hike, have sex, drink castor oil and scrub the bathroom floor on the morning of the 15th. Also you should watch this video for further inspiration: http://youtu.be/dkq8XCVQVcI ;-)

    Good luck to the whole family in those last weeks!

  • My mom spills things on her white shirts all the time and she can’t explain it with “Baby Freedom is on my sciatic nerve!” At least you have an excuse! I tell her to stop wearing white t-shirts b/c she’s going to run Wal-Mart out of Shout and Era. ;0) If you have trouble getting out the stains try Oxi-Clean’s Max Force Gel. It managed to completely get blue dye out of my white Ralph Lauren bath mat that, you guessed it, my mother, washed with a blue bath mat.

    Here’s to the arrival of Baby Freedom and epidurals!

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