How Do You Say ‘TMI’ in Russian?

I finally arrive at the front of the line at the Rite-Aid pharmacy for my prenatal vitamins, holding onto a toddler with one hand, uncomfortably cradling my monster stomach in the other.  An urge to pee like you wouldn’t even believe.  Seriously.  Don’t try.  You wouldn’t even.  A cash register opens up — and an elderly woman with a walker butts right in front of me.  I say nothing, maturely roll my eyes and mouth “What the f-ck?!” behind her back.  I may or may not have peed my pants a little.

RUDE ELDERLY WOMAN:  [MUTTERS SOME RUSSIAN TO THE PHARMACY ASSISTANT]

KOREAN-AMERICAN PHARMACY ASSISTANT:  Huh?

WOMAN:  [SHOVES A PIECE OF PAPER TOWARD HIM, MUTTERS SOMETHING]

ASSISTANT:  Do you need a recommendation?  Because I’m not a pharmacist.

WOMAN:   [SHAKES HEAD, POINTS TO THE PIECE OF PAPER]

ASSISTANT:  Um, that’s in aisle seven, ma’am.

WOMAN:  [CLEAR ENGLISH]  Take me there.

ASSISTANT:  I have a whole line of people waiting here, ma’am.  I can’t just leave —

WOMAN:  TAKE ME!

ASSISTANT:  [FED UP]  KY-JELLY IS IN AISLE SEVEN.  Seven.  With the LU-BRI-CANTS!

ME:  [START TO GIGGLE, THEN REALIZE:]  Oh my god.  This old lady is having sex and the only thing getting down MY pants these days is a trickle of urine.  Talk about a sobering thought.