Two Out of Two Doctors Agree: I Am Giving Birth to James Gandolfini
May 10, 2011 | Filed Under: Uncategorized
“We’re at the point where I don’t really care about your cervix anymore,” the perinatologist told me at last week’s appointment, just a few days shy of being 34 weeks along.
“Hey now,” my cervix, used to being the center of attention, frowned.
“Woo-hoo! That’s great news,” I smiled. “So I guess I don’t need to see you any –”
“But I’ll need you back here in three weeks to reassess the baby’s size. If he’s still measuring so big, we may want to take precautionary measures.”
That’s right. I’ve gone from being terrified that I would deliver a preterm baby to being terrified that I will deliver a baby the size of James Gandolfini after an all-you-can-eat pasta buffet. (May I just also add: Pasta buffet? YUM.) Consistently measuring 2-3 weeks big, Baby Freedom weighed an estimated 6 lbs. 4 oz. as of last Thursday. Or, as they say in the obstetrics field, FREAKIN’ HUGE.
“I wouldn’t worry about it,” my OB assured me at yesterday’s appointment, where I expressed my concern and sat on the examination table, clutching my vagina in fear. “You’re all stretched out from delivering your first baby, anyway.”
Gee, thanks.
“Not to mention those measurements can be off by twenty percent. Here, let me feel,” she said, laying her hands on my beach ball of a stomach. “I’m decent at estimating without an ultrasound.”
I watched as she confirmed Freedom’s head was down (good news) and that his ass was indeed sticking up on the left side of my stomach — boy’s got some junk in the trunk — and then:
“His head is big. Oh yeah. I’d say six to seven pounds.”
Six to… seven? With possibly another six weeks to go? *GULP*
“How tall are you?” she asked.
“Almost five-eight.”
“You’ll be just fine,” she nodded.
Phew! Apparently, being tall with a stretched out vagina lays the perfect foundation for giving birth to a newborn who won’t get carded at bars. What a relief! When I informed the doctor that my five-foot-three mom gave birth to a baby that was nine pounds, fourteen ounces (that would be me), she grew even more confident of my birthing abilities.
“We usually inherit the size of our pelvic region from our moms. You’ll be just fine,” she repeated.
You’ll be just fine… you’ll be just fine… you’ll be just fine. Her words echoed in my supposedly cavernous vagina.
“If we have to, we can induce a week early,” she added. “Continue to take it easy on bed rest for another two weeks, then we’ll go from there.”
Out of all of this uncertain baby weight and due date craziness, only one thing is clear: We MUST have another baby betting pool. Because when I think of giving birth to a precious baby, I naturally think of gambling. Details to come.
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Mrs. Harrison Ford says:
Good luck with the James Gandalfini sized baby! When I give birth I’ll be happy on the mother of all epidurals. Hopefully!
May 10th, 2011 at 7:00 pm -Candy says:
I am all about the epidural.
May 10th, 2011 at 9:17 pm -Mrs. Harrison Ford says:
I know I will be too! I’ve already told people that when I find out I’m pregnant (first I have to get a boyfriend/fiance/husband, etc.) I’ll be signing up for one!
May 12th, 2011 at 7:42 am -dayelily says:
You’ll do great! I pushed my 10 pound, 2 ounce son out in 15 minutes, and he was my first.
You’ve got good genes for it. 
May 10th, 2011 at 9:12 pm -Candy says:
In 15 minutes…? I couldn’t even pick out a new pair of shoes in that amount of time, and you delivered a 10-pound baby. Kudos to you!
Oh, may I be as lucky.
May 10th, 2011 at 9:21 pm -dayelily says:
Here’s hoping it will be nice and quick for you, too! Surely Skye paved the way for Baby Freedom…
May 11th, 2011 at 9:32 am -Eize says:
Well, you have a good family history of pushing out Sopranos. Good luck, Candy!
May 11th, 2011 at 1:22 am -Lilster says:
>>You’ll be just fine… you’ll be just fine… you’ll be just fine. Her words echoed in my supposedly cavernous vagina.
This really made me laugh out loud!
May 11th, 2011 at 2:10 pm -