Top 10 Worst Ways to Pass Time on Bed Rest

I got the green light from the doctor to come home on Friday — yay! — and am already officially over this bed rest situation — boo!  After only three days, I can definitively share a few ways I do NOT recommend passing the time in bed:

10.  Googling “horrible, debilitating side effects of bed rest.”

9.  Googling “Is bed rest actually effective in preventing preterm labor?

8.  Googling “How bed rest can drive you insane.”

7.  Googling.  Period.

6.  Heeding your DVR’s advice that you should watch Holly’s World (oy).

5.  Sitting by the window with drool hanging out of your mouth and waving listlessly at the neighbors (on second thought, creeping out the neighbors may be one of my FAVORITE ways).

4.  Making fun of your husband, who now wields all power over your daily menu and, well, LIFE.  (One wisecrack about his pitiful March Madness brackets could mean the difference between being left with a turkey sub versus a celery stick for lunch.  *Gulp*)

3.  Counting the number of cracker crumbs your hungry toddler dropped in your bed over the weekend.  (What number comes after 999 quadrillion?  I don’t even know.)

2.  Listening to the frozen yogurt calling your name from downstairs:  “Candy!  Come gorge on me!  I am sweet and delicious and a welcome change from that celery stick your hubby left for you!”

1.  Calculating the number of hours you likely have left in bed (840 – 2,184 hours… damn you, Google!  Foiled again.).

Thanks to all the readers who have e-mailed and left kind words of support in the comments section.  Means the world to me.  Almost as good as a bowl of frozen yogurt.  *Almost*

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

11 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Sounds like a mini-fridge w/freezer stocked full of frozen yogurt would be an excellent replacement for your nightstand…

  • Dear Candy. I have a suggestion for you: How about you take an on-line course on something. A language, a post-degree, the internet animation (comic) thing, something… that would help you get through this difficult time. Kudos to Mr. Candy for helping around, it cannot be easy to be a dad, have a job, be a husband and take care of the house, but if Candy can do it… 🙂

    • Totally agree, Elisa. I plan to tackle animation and finish writing the book I abandoned when I had Skye (a humorous look at pregnancy…talk about ironic). Thanks for the suggestion.

      And Mr. Candy has been AWESOME. He admits he has more of an appreciation for some of the things I do around here. That little girl of ours can be exhausting, for sure. Funny how I now long for that kind of exhaustion…


      • Mr. Elisa is the same… one day with our daughter and he is exhausted and then he lets me have all the appreciation for a couple of days before he forgets again… funny how that works… I haven’t told you but I’ve been reading you since that time when you worked with 14 and you had a website together and that didn’t work out and then you started writing on your own again and I just kept reading you and well, now I consider myself your cyber-“friend”. Our daughter is 18 months old and you’ve been kind of my guide into motherhood (talk about great influences, right?) So in a cyber-way you are kind of my cyber-mentor (rolemodel?… lets not go that far!) I keep sending well wishes your way and hopefully, these next months will go by really fast and you can get your cervix ready for baby #3 (If you can name her Margarita, that would be awesome!) So keep the lecture material coming and I’m sure we will continue to fill you up with our insightful comments 🙂

        • Wow, then we go way back as “cyber-friends”! So delighted to hear you were patient enough to follow me on my crazy blog-hopping ride — I plan to stick around here at The Laughing Stork for a long, long time.

          Baby #3? Oh my. No, I am already planning the retirement party for my cervix. (What kind of appetizers does one serve at such an affair, anyway? Penne pasta tubes…?)

  • I agree with taking an online course – language, animation, whatever you’re interested in. You can also write to your band of merry followers !! I have one of those mini-fridges in my office which originally was bought by my hubby for me when I had foot surgery and couldn’t make my way downstairs. They come in handy !