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A Heart-to-Heart with Suri Cruise and Her Pacifier

Celebrities

A Heart-to-Heart with Suri Cruise and Her Pacifier

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Oh, Suri.

You’re almost five years old.  Five!  Old enough to know you’re doing it ALL WRONG.  You see, my friend’s 5-year-old son keeps his pacifier in the top drawer of his nightstand.  Yeah, easy access.  So when he’s feeling anxious, he can quickly grab it, suck on it a few times and put it back before anybody notices — just like getting a fix of crack cocaine.  The lesson to be learned here:  Preserve your dignity by indulging bad habits behind closed doors where the Internet can’t judge you.

Just a l’il parental wisdom from me to you.  (Seriously.  Do I have to do ALL the work around here, Tom and Katie?  Geesh.)

Yours in secretive, unhealthy habits,

Candy (who is on her second bag of Lorna Doones in her bedroom, away from the disapproving stares of the cats)

P.S.  Please disregard if you’re just covering for your Teddy Bear, who clearly is WAY too old to be using a pacifier.  Especially the stuff I said about the multiple bags of Lorna Doones!  Ha, ha!  Just kidding!  Don’t tell my doctor please!  Also:  I covet your coat.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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