The Best Charlie Sheen Quotes as Interpreted by Our Cats

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“I am dealing with trolls and fools.”

–Charlie Sheen, as interpreted by Matty (R.I.P.)

“I think people mistake my passion for anger.”

–Charlie Sheen, as interpreted by Marcy

“You can’t process me with a normal brain.”

–Charlie Sheen, as interpreted by Lucy

“I have defeated this earthworm with my words… imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists!”

“They picked a fight with a warlock!”

“Duh!  Winning!”

“Rhymes with winning?  That would be us.  Sorry, man, didn’t make the rules.”

“[To join AA], you gotta sit in a room and be all lame.  I’m a winner and they look like losers.”

“I have a ten-thousand-year-old brain, and the boogers of a seven-year-old.”

“I’m fine — I have a plan.”

“And, you know, they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives… and then they look at me and they think, ‘I just can’t process it.'”

“There are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper.”

“I’m gonna live my life the way I want, I’m gonna win inside every moment, and they can just find the most comfortable chair in their small house and sit back and enjoy the show.”

And yet another interpretation of “…fools and trolls”:


Inspiration by Medium Large and Laughing Stork reader, Julie

Introspective quotes by Charlie Sheen spewed on most every media outlet on the planet (plus Mars!)

Dramatic interpretations by Marcy, Lucy and Matty (we miss ya, big guy… but your work lives on!)

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur.


  1. Vera

    Mar 1, 2011 at 5:23 pm


  2. Eize

    Mar 1, 2011 at 8:22 pm


  3. Deeva

    Mar 1, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    LOL! Your kitties do crazy well!! 😉

  4. Julie

    Mar 2, 2011 at 12:16 am

    LOL yours are even better than the original ones! Great job, couldn’t pick a favourite if I tried

  5. Julie

    Mar 2, 2011 at 2:20 am

    PS here are more “Pure and complete gnarly-isms” to start your day with:

    • Candy

      Mar 3, 2011 at 12:53 pm

      That floating Charlie head they use would make a fabulous Halloween mask.

  6. Mrs. Harrison Ford

    Mar 2, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Way more entertaining with cats than with the train wreck known as Charlie Sheen!

    Keep them coming, funny lady!

  7. Jannette Bayhonan

    Mar 13, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    Did anyone check out his tv fiasco last week? Charlie is clearly nuts. His behavior is unbelievable, yet it’s great entertainment.

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