Elmo is Killing My Sex Life

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Sex after having kids — it’s amazing how often that topic appears in magazines, books and blog posts, considering how infrequently it actually occurs.  As for sex when you’re pregnant and trying to maintain a semblance of a career and have a toddler to chase after?  Yeah, okay, I’ll put that on my list of high-priority things to do.  Right after “offer to iron all of my neighbors’ clothes.”

Thankfully, my husband is a patient and understanding man who has resigned himself to enjoying the occasional brush-by and feigning enthusiasm for bedtime snuggling.  I know, right?  Snuggling!  No man should be reduced to that.  So you can imagine how thrilled he was when our Valentine’s Day evening was spent indulging in, um, lower snuggling.  Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.  In the midst of Mr. Candy’s very rare and, I must add, very nice Valentine’s Day “treat,” we hear this:

“ELMO LOVES YOU!”

We pretend we don’t hear it.

“A BIG KISS FROM ELMO TO YOU!”

We pause for a moment, make a weird face, resume “snuggling.”

“ELMO LOVES YOU!”

What the hell?  Is she SITTING on that thing? I ask, rolling over.

Oh yes.  I had made the mistake of putting Elmo with Skye in her crib, the very same Elmo who professes his love every time you press his hand.  With one volume setting:  FREAKING LOUD.  The very same Elmo that Skye knows how to turn on, even in the dark.  Oh yes.  That Elmo, whose yapping, further amplified by the baby monitor on my desk, was a total mood kill.  Without offering up too many details, I will just say that we did not let Elmo put the kibosh on my “gift” to Mr. Candy.  However, Elmo was equally determined, refusing to shut up the ENTIRE TIME.

“ELMO LOVES YOU!”

“A BIG KISS FROM ELMO TO YOU!”

“A BIG KISS FROM ELMO TO YOU!”

“ELMO LOVES YOU!”

Our afterglow talk was about as romantic as you would expect.

MR. CANDY:  That may’ve been even worse than the time my dad called and we could hear him talking on the answering machine.

ME:  I’ve got to write about this in my column.

I eventually sent Mr. Candy on the very dangerous mission of extracting Elmo from Skye’s crib, in fear that the talkative red monster would wake her up.  When my smooth criminal of a husband successfully returned with the furry contraband, he informed me that our daughter had been using Elmo as a pillow.

Lesson learned:  Buy the kid a pillow.  At least in time for Mr. Candy’s next holiday “gift” — yeah, that’s right, it’s going to be a VERY happy Columbus Day around here!

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur. For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

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9 Comments

  1. Mr. Candy

    February 16, 2011 at 12:57 am

    Columbs Day! Wait Columbus Day isn’t until October 10th! That is 7 months and 23 days from now!

    Well, I never really liked Columbus Day and thought it was a bogus holiday, but this year I may be looking forward to it.

    • Mrs. Harrison Ford

      February 16, 2011 at 7:43 pm

      President’s Day is the 21st and counts as a holiday. May lower snuggling continue ;0)

  2. Eize

    February 16, 2011 at 1:44 am

    Doesn’t Elmo have a mute setting?

    • Candy

      February 17, 2011 at 12:39 pm

      Yes — but Skye knows how to turn him back on, even in the dark. *Sigh*

  3. Deeva

    February 16, 2011 at 11:50 am

    Just wait until Miss Skye comes into the room!! My son did that when he was five and my husband and I told him we were having ‘tickle time’. It was awful..

  4. Julie

    February 17, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    But Elmo the co*%blocker looooves you (Skye doesn’t visit this site, right? Right?!)

    • Candy

      February 17, 2011 at 12:42 pm

      Well, if she doesn’t read it on here, she’ll hear it at home anyway! (Because that’s EXACTLY what Mr. Candy called him.)

  5. Bella

    February 17, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    OMG LMFAO!

  6. Heidi

    January 12, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Gosh, reading this one (after reading the haze post) with my hubby, crying with laughter. You are damn funny! :D:D

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