Baby Girls Steal Your Beauty, Make You Crave Drano and Other Totally True Old Wives’ Tales

An old wives’ tale decrees that if a woman is pregnant with a baby girl, you can tell by the way the girl has “stolen” her mom’s beauty.  Meaning:  Mama-to-be looks like death and it’s all that greedy girl’s fault.  Yes!  Cat fights apparently begin in the womb.  In fact, any credible OB/GYN will tell you that the umbilical cord is not only used to nourish the baby girl, but also to drain the moisture from the mom’s skin and hair and deliver several inches to her thighs.  And those shooting pains attributed to ligaments stretching?  Yeah, those are actually the little chica spitefully clawing stretch marks on her mom’s stomach.  Also, if Mom smells like garlic, develops a sudden, inexplicable appreciation for JC Chasez’s solo album and craves Drano, she is obviously having a girl.  Or something like that.

Naturally, I took all of this as gospel UNTIL… I became pregnant with my first child.  Regardless of gender, I fully expected that Pregnant Candy would be miserable and weigh slightly more than a Mack Truck.  Because, as my mom explained it to me, that’s how the women in our family roll.  Only…I wasn’t.  A miserable tractor trailer, that is.  On the contrary, I became one of those annoying glow-y pregnant chicks with tons of energy and a surprisingly healthy 22-lb. weight gain residing mostly in my stomach.  I never craved an ounce of Drano, instead favoring the sweeter taste of motor oil.

And guess what, old wives?  I was carrying a — GASP! — girl.

Fast forward two years, and here I sit pregnant with a boy.  A party of zits has taken up residence on my left cheek and refuses to leave no matter how much I plead with them to find housing elsewhere.  And why should they?  I keep supporting them with sleepless nights and an endless supply of chocolate.  My hair, thick and shiny during my first pregnancy, has sprouted a baffling crop of wisps in the front that neither gel nor a staple gun can tame.  Although my weight gain has been on track so far, thanks to a nightmarish first trimester wherein I lost seven pounds and most everything I tried to swallow, visions of Mack Trucks keep floating in my zit-covered head because now that I’m entering my fifth month…?  I CANNOT STOP EATING.

“What is wrong with me?” I asked Mr. Candy, chip crumbs spraying sexily from my mouth.

“I’m sure you’re just hungry because you’re always carrying Skylar and chasing her around,” he reassured me, calmly wiping the soggy chip crumbs off his face.

But we were both thinking it:  Mack Truck headed our way!

Whenever somebody asks me how I’m feeling, an occurrence that happens often when you’re pregnant, I simply smile, “Better than I did the first three months!”  Which is true.  And much more pleasant than screaming, “TIRED AND HUNGRY!  NOW HAND OVER YOUR BAG OF CHEETOS BEFORE I SIC MY ORNERY PARTY OF ZITS ON YOU!”

So this old wife has a different tale:  Pregnant with a girl?  You’ll glow!  You’ll sparkle brighter than the sum of all the sequins in Johnny Weir’s closet!   Pregnant with a boy?  Might as well grab a vat of chocolate, then dig a Mack Truck-sized hole in the ground and hibernate there for nine months.  Because Baby Boy is going to do everything in his pint-sized power to make sure your face and body are best not viewed in the light of day.

Either that, or it’s just tougher being pregnant when you also have a toddler to look after.  Yeah, either/or.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
Share on Facebook
Tweet about this on Twitter
Pin on Pinterest

About author View all posts Author's Website

Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

17 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Funny post. I have a boy and a girl and both of my pregnancies were about the same.

  • Oh Sister, I feel you!! When I was pregnant, i could put Adam Richman to shame. Man v Food has nothing on me while pregnant. Bring on the hot wings! (And ProActiv please…)

  • love this, although i will go with its because its the second child. I LOVED my joseph pregnancy! no zits, amazing hair, happy as a freakin clam!!!!!!!! hummmmmm

  • I think it might be the toddler + pregnancy thing… My pregnancies were about the same, but I was definitely more exhausted and ate more for my second.

    And the wispy hair thing might actually be thanks to Miss Skye. I had that with both pregnancies — 9 months of thick shiny hair that suddenly fell out over the course of a week about 3 months after the baby was born. The result of losing that much hair all at once was that the new hair grew in at the same time, making it look like I had these weird wispy bangs. I actually ended up having to get my hair layered after having my son because the new growth looked so funny.

  • I live in Hong Kong and the Chinese here say that if you’re having a girl, you have more “beauty hormones” and therefore will be more beautiful in your pregnancy, and if you’re having a boy, then you’ll be more ugly. Sounds like you were meant to be Chinese!

  • I second what Nicole said. Also, having a boy will result in a slight discoloration on the back of your neck and armpits.

  • But the different pregnancies don’t affect your humor, which is really what’s important here. Your readers, specifically me!

    I’m sure Mr. Candy still loves you and thinks you are the sexiest thing around, DON’T YOU, MR. CANDY?11

  • I agree with Eize…when I was preggo with my son my armpits def got discolored….have fun the summer with the sleeveless shirts! I was lucky that my guy was born in the winter or I would have died! Love your posts Candy!

    • You and Eize are rocking my world with this potential development. I’m due in mid-June, but can wear sleeveless shirts almost year-round here in L.A. The moment I spot discoloration, I’m going on the hunt for armpit concealer (a popular item at Sephora, I’m sure).

  • Candy,
    You are so funny. I had to forward your post to my friends at work because they were jealous of all the laughter coming from my desk. Love your site! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. 🙂 -Kate

  • *checks armpits* I’m 24.5 weeks pregnant with a boy, and now I’m terrified. I keep looking for the zit party, but it sounds like they’re staying at Candy’s house. Keep ’em occupied-I’m sure you’re a much better hostess. Although I did just eat a candy bar, for no freakin’ reason…

  • Too many stupid teenagers nowadays who don’t realiset they are only 12-14 years old in their heads.
    now to the comment. girls in my class say girls steal mamas beauty. I never believed it and we got a pregnant in the class right now.
    she got ugly as shit for a few weeks which indicates it’s a girl.
    but as I thought from the start she is having a boy.