I Got More Than Lei’d in Maui

Little-known fact:  Maui is Hawaiian for “Let’s chuck the condoms and just see what happens…!”

Yeah, so, we think Baby #2 — aka Trouble Maker — was whipped up, as the obstetric professionals say, on our Hawaiian vacation to celebrate my birthday.  Damn those sneaky Hawaiians, seducing us into procreating with their intoxicating Mai Tais and oh-so-romantic pig roasts!  My lifelong plan was to have one child, to enjoy parenthood with some semblance of balance, but, well, you know what they say about the best laid plans — throw in some rum, a warm Hawaiian breeze, and a sappy video celebrating your daughter’s first year of life making you all weepy-eyed for more babies, and BOOM!  You’re pregnant.

A liberal interpretation of Robert Burns’ poem, but you get the point.

I am both delighted and terrified about introducing another baby into our now nice daily routine, a routine in which Miss Skye consistently sleeps until at least 8 a.m. — a slice of heaven I don’t take for granted.  I mean, 8 a.m.!  Why on earth are we f*cking with that?  I am so bummed by the thought of having to wake up every few hours with a crying baby again, and likely disrupting Skye’s sleep schedule as a result, that I often wake up at 5 a.m. fretting about it and unable to go back to sleep.  I think it goes without saying that I have gone completely insane.

I’m hoping I’ll be able to focus more on the delight of a new baby, less on the terror, once my round-the-clock “morning sickness” subsides.  Morning sickness.  Hmpf.  A term clearly coined by a male doctor who never hugged his toilet in the middle of the afternoon while his 15-month-old tried to ride his back like a horse (yeah, I lied… that was NOT the stomach flu) or catch his vomit with her sippy cup.  All true stories.

Only 13 weeks along and this little one has already stirred up Lindsay Lohan-sized trouble, causing me to throw up pretty much nonstop until the doctor was forced to put me on anti-nausea medication usually reserved for cancer patients. “The strong nausea means a healthy pregnancy — strong hormones!” the doctor assured me as I struggled (unsuccessfully) to keep down my daily diet of water and a saltine.

I had lost seven pounds in seven days, become dehydrated and gone into starvation mode (making my body produce high levels of a substance called ketones, which is not so great for the baby) — and that was just the fun part! Luckily, the medication was nothing short of a miracle and now that I’m entering my second trimester, my tummy is SLOWLY recovering.  But it is still not entirely pleased with me, rejecting the roasted chicken I dared to eat last night and producing scary rumbling noises that make the cats hide under the bed.  It has been even worse than the Jell-O Shot Overdose Incident of ’99.

Yup. We’re going to have our hands full with this little one, all right.

If it’s a boy, my nine-year-old cousin thinks I should name him Freedom.  DONE.  (Hey, don’t look at me like that.  That’s what Freedom gets for making me sprout chin hairs!)

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

18 CommentsLeave a comment

  • So, for your birthday, Santa sent you an early present.

    Mr. Candy’s swimmers are quite potent.

  • “I Got More Than Lei’d in Maui”- you’re a genius. In my mind, I already made a song out of this and am humming it whenever I think (hope) no one hears me, still working on the choreography, though

  • THink of it this way. You lost 7 pounds,so hopefully by Christmas, you’ll be able to eat some soothing Christmas Cookies (sugar cookies and toll house cookies are very gentle on the stomach) and won’t have to worry about gaining too much weight ! Always a Silver Lining ! Feel Better !

  • Sit back, relax and enjoy… deep breath and repeat after me: everything is going to be alright, smile and think that although these new addition to your family was not planned at the moment, this baby is a blessing and you should not be bummed at all. Do not get overwhelmed, you are not the first woman to have two kids (or more)and they all survived and so will you. You just need a little sunshine right now, a hug and a smile… Mr. Candy, your turn now, please pamper Mrs. Candy, ok?

    • I agree, elisa — definitely a blessing. It’s going to be a fun adventure. I just enjoy being melodramatic. Makes for more entertaining columns!

      I have to give Mr. Candy props: He has been fantastic throughout my rocky first trimester, even though I’ve been a total crankypants.

  • That’s pretty creative for a nine year old. Why are you surprised you are pregnant again?? Are you on the pill?

  • I’m pregnant with my second as well and wondering, what was I thinking? I’m not going to be able to handle two! It’s going to be so hard. But maybe easier in some ways too. I mean, this time I know what I’m doing. Baby cries, I know what to do. Baby’s hungry, I know what to do. Baby poops so much it runs down the backs of his legs all over the car seat while we’re gridlocked in 405 traffic with nowhere to pull over? I know what to do. (Roll down the windows and turn up the radio.)

  • Did your dr give you zofran? I loved that drug so much I seriously considered naming my child that…

    • She did, indeed. Oh yes, it is SO wonderful that I cuddle with the bottle at night.

      That’s it…! I’m naming the baby Freedom Zofran.

  • Of course I am pampering Candy. 30 minutes more of E! News instead of SportsCenter should do the trick, right?

  • Oh Mr Candy, you are so funny. Think maternal massage at the spa. Or a trip to the mean nasty hair man that does wonderful things to Candy’s hair. Or a Louis Vuitton baby bag. Or cupcakes.