Skye’s Law of Universal Gravity-Defying Poop

There is a popular story that Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under an apple tree, an apple fell on his head, and BOOM!  He thought of the Universal Law of Gravitation.  But not before screaming, “Damn!  That freakin’ hurt!” and plopping himself under a less ornery Sycamore tree.

Not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I actually consider myself a modern day Sir Isaac Newton — you can totally see it, right? — in that we both, um, like apples.   Yes, we practically share a brain!  So it’s not surprising I had a similarly mind-blowing epiphany this morning:  While I was lifting my daughter out of her swing, her butt and my hand unexpectedly became covered in something wet, and BOOM!

I suddenly realized that baby excrement DEFIES GRAVITY.

For those who are less scientifically inclined, allow me to put it in layman’s terms:  Regardless of how snug a diaper is, or how flat or horizontal a baby is lying on her back, the newborn’s poop and pee possess the ability to shoot upwards and ESCAPE the diaper — thereby wetting a baby’s entire back, swing/chair/crib/bassinet, and parent’s hand — all while scoffing in the face of this so-called gravity thingy.

If it would please the panel, I would like to submit Skye’s Law of Universal Gravity-Defying Poop:

Calculation

where:

RR is the Ruined Romper

M is the milk

NGP is the Nasty Green Poop

BOP is the Big Ol’ Piss

GS is Gravity Schravity

This most frequently happens when the romper was JUST PUT ON THE BABY.  Still not convinced?  Okay, Miss Cynical McCynicPants.  I will just have to submit some photographic evidence to further support this Law:

As you can see, the newly-fed baby is happy.  Her belly is full   Her romper is dry and clean.

And THEN…

BOOM!  Struck by gravity-defying poop!

Even you non-physicists out there have to see I TOTALLY deserve to win the Nobel Prize in Physics.  Or, at the very least, to be knighted a “Sir” by the Queen.   That’s right:  It’s Sir Candy, bitches!  Isaac Newton and Elton John ain’t got nothin’ on me.

About author View all posts Author's Website

Candy

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur.

For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

12 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Oh my god. That was freaking HILARIOUS!!! I love the scientific equation.

    I also like the way you got a photo of her post-poop bawling before changing her. I mean, let’s be serious… the extra three seconds isn’t going to hurt her, and it’s all for us, right? Right. All hail Sir Candy.

  • I love it! We haven’t had that experience yet with our little girl (I know it will come soon), but we were well-versed in it with our son. And he managed to do an additional physics-defying feat, which I think requires a “water pistol” to achieve: More than once, he somehow managed to pee all over me without getting his own diaper or clothes wet. I still don’t know how he did it — snuck out the leg of his diaper?

  • i do not miss that at all. i found pampers swaddler diapers worked best against the newborn breast milk poop, they have that netting layer that seems to help a little.

  • hahahaha thats awsome. just wait till she’s bigger and it goes past the back of the diaper and up her back. my son has done that to many times to count. its nasty. lol. and cowgirl my son has done that. the diaper is dry but everything else is wet. fun times

  • While holding my (then) two-month old son, he somehow managed to get poop all over the neighbors new, and unfinished, decking without getting a spot on his clothes, his diaper or me. Breast milk poop at that. I’ve never been more embarrased in all of my life and still cannot figure out how he did it.

  • wow. thanks for bringing back memories that i thought i had buried forever! i seem to recall i had different levels of success in avoiding this with different diapers. i don’t remember which, though… not that it would help since babies are not all shaped the same.

    that baby is a cutie.

  • and of course the follow up of this will be when you need to wash all of this off, and put your sweet, poop-cleared little one in the tub and more comes squirting out. always fun cleaning up baby and tub and rompers and swings and on and on and on. oh my.

  • Candy, baby girl Skye is seriously rocking her little red polka dot onsie! Does she know that polka dots are in this year? It’s good that she’s found a common way to communicate her uncomfortableness. I am not a science-math person but I can certainly appreciate your formula. It does actually make a lot of sense!

  • That was too funny!! I remember those days. Thank God my child bearing years are behind me.whew!! Skye is gorgeous!

  • Hilarious. My new baby girl (a week younger than Skye) peed in her ear while I was changing her diaper. My GIRL did this. How these fluids get everywhere, I’ll never know.

  • haha thats very funny and well written, I have 2 girls and 1 boy the boy was the worst as a baby would poop and pee everywhere. LOL

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *