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Skye’s Law of Universal Gravity-Defying Poop

Babies

Skye’s Law of Universal Gravity-Defying Poop

A mom learns that a newborn’s excrement has the ability to defy gravity.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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There is a popular story that Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under an apple tree, an apple fell on his head, and BOOM!  He thought of the Universal Law of Gravitation.  But not before screaming, “Damn!  That freakin’ hurt!” and plopping himself under a less ornery Sycamore tree.

Not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I actually consider myself a modern day Sir Isaac Newton — you can totally see it, right? — in that we both, um, like apples.   Yes, we practically share a brain!  So it’s not surprising I had a similarly mind-blowing epiphany this morning:  While I was lifting my daughter out of her swing, her butt and my hand unexpectedly became covered in something wet, and BOOM!

I suddenly realized that baby excrement DEFIES GRAVITY.

For those who are less scientifically inclined, allow me to put it in layman’s terms:  Regardless of how snug a diaper is, or how flat or horizontal a baby is lying on her back, the newborn’s poop and pee possess the ability to shoot upwards and ESCAPE the diaper — thereby wetting a baby’s entire back, swing/chair/crib/bassinet, and parent’s hand — all while scoffing in the face of this so-called gravity thingy.

If it would please the panel, I would like to submit Skye’s Law of Universal Gravity-Defying Poop:

Calculation

where:

RR is the Ruined Romper

M is the milk

NGP is the Nasty Green Poop

BOP is the Big Ol’ Piss

GS is Gravity Schravity

This most frequently happens when the romper was JUST PUT ON THE BABY.  Still not convinced?  Okay, Miss Cynical McCynicPants.  I will just have to submit some photographic evidence to further support this Law:

As you can see, the newly-fed baby is happy.  Her belly is full   Her romper is dry and clean.

And THEN…

BOOM!  Struck by gravity-defying poop!

Even you non-physicists out there have to see I TOTALLY deserve to win the Nobel Prize in Physics.  Or, at the very least, to be knighted a “Sir” by the Queen.   That’s right:  It’s Sir Candy, bitches!  Isaac Newton and Elton John ain’t got nothin’ on me.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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