Candy’s Father’s Day Gift Guide

"Could use a razor, definitely."

Father’s Day is a time to support those who too often go unappreciated:  I am, of course, talking about “World’s Greatest Dad” coffee mug makers.  These mugs are a vital part of fathers’ lives, providing the perfect place in which to store the unused tie clips and key chains received on other Father’s Days.

In fact, a survey of dads reveals that 53 percent of them don’t recall the Father’s Day gift they received just two years ago.  I believe this is mainly due to the contents of their coffee mugs (one shot coffee, one pint whiskey).  But it’s also because Father’s Day is treated like a second-class holiday, just one rung below Arbor Day, with second-class presents.  Let’s face it — even a freshly planted Arbor Day Weeping Willow is better than a new grill spatula.  While mom is still coming off the high of being treated to flowers and free-flowing mimosas at her Mother’s Day brunch, dad has to pretend he loves that soap-on-a-rope.  A concept that is just ridiculous; everybody knows men rarely even use cleaning agents.

This disparity is made painfully obvious in my Father’s Day Gift Guide, which contains gift suggestions that no dad in his right mind would want — but provides me, the well-pampered mother, with quite a few chuckles.  Happy Father’s Day to me!

Yodeling Pickle

$13.31 plus shipping, from Amazon

It was only a matter of time until pickles, tired of playing second fiddle to real vegetables, revolted and reemerged from their jars of vinegar in electronic, yodeling form.  Surely dad will be inspired by the pickle’s determination to forge a new career path later in life, as well as its ability to pull off lederhosen wearing only a hat and socks.  Which is most any man’s dream.

The yodeling pickle, right up there on the Annoying Spectrum along with the Rapping Artichoke and the Kardashians, will provide dad with hours of entertainment — perhaps even making him realize that the sound of his kids fighting isn’t the most grating noise in the world, after all.

Bottle of aspirin not included.

Bowel Buddy

$12.57 plus shipping, from evitamins.com

But the gift of being able to “snack on the go and get regular”…?  Priceless.

Something to celebrate the success of the last gift suggestion.

Daddle

$34.99 plus shipping, from thehorse.com

Without question, one of the most pressing questions facing families today is how children can exert as little energy as possible while torturing their parents.  Thank heavens somebody has come up with a solution:  the Daddle, a saddle that immediately transforms fathers from semi-broken men into completely broken shells of their former selves.  No longer do four-year-olds have to worry about walking from the living room to the kitchen for a snack — now they can just saddle up Misty, er… I mean, Dad and steer him in the direction of the ice cream.

Make the experience super-special for dad by throwing him some carrots and a bale of hay.  And, ideally, the business card of a good chiropractor.

SMALL JOCK STRAP

$4.99 plus shipping, from eBay

General rule of thumb:

Size small for mom = perfect (even if it’s not, um, exactly perfect)

Size small for dad = oh no, you di-in’t!

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Candy

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur.

For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

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