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Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: “You Have to Be Beautiful to Be Able to Do Things”

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Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: “You Have to Be Beautiful to Be Able to Do Things”

:01 – We open with the Pageant Director for the Director’s Choice 2010 in Arkansas.   Smiling wickedly, he says pageants can bring out the worst in moms.

They bring out something, all right.

:02 — We meet 5-year-old Lexie. “Pageants make me feel pretty,” Lexie reveals, adding that she wants to be a pageant princess like her mom (see above) was.  Turns out, her mom is not only a pageant veteran, but also an advocate of healthy attitudes:  “Pageants are a competition and you go there to win,” says Lexie’s mom. “I don’t care who it hurts… as long as she’s there and she’s winning.  Lexie will be competing till she wins Miss America in 2014.”  And in therapy in 2015!

:03 – Zander, a five-year-old boy, informs us that he’s a “pageant diva.”  He’s been making the rounds on the circuit since he was a baby.  INSERT RIDICULOUSLY CUTE BABY ZANDER PAGEANT PHOTO HERE:

“I don’t like to lose because my mom might be sad,” Zander says of pageants.  You can practically hear hearts breaking across the country, one by one, when he says this.  But not his mom’s…!  Beaming, Zander’s mom says she knew there “was something different about him from Day One.”  He always wanted to entertain people.   She claims he is so good at pageants, that people back out of pageants when they see he is there. “I want to win this pageant so bad,” Zander exclaims.

:05 – We’re introduced to Carissa, 21 months, whom her mom describes as “spunky.” CUT TO:  Carissa throwing her hair bow on the ground.  Yeah, I think we all know what “spunky toddler” is code for.  Sybil was based on such a personality trait, I believe.

:06 – Lexie’s mom says she’s always wanted a little girl to put on stage and “prance around.”  In that case, she should have just bought a pony.  Lexie’s mom also matter-of-factly shares how much they are spending on this pageant:  New dress?  $1100.  New swimsuit?  $375.  Combined with pageant and travel fees, they have splashed out more than three grand.  Again, a pony probably would have been cheaper.

:07 – Carissa’s mom laments the time they went to a pageant and got really, really low scores. “Like somebody telling me my kid looks like a dog,” her mom cries.  Yes, how awful that people are judging your kid’s looks!  Who asked ’em, anyway?  Oh, wait…

:11 – Zander gets a manicure, picks green nail polish.  “Anything that pampers Zander, Zander likes,” his mom smiles.  Kid’s got the right idea.

:13 – Carissa and her mom get their nails done.  Her mom thinks pageants will help Carissa be more confident. “Whenever she wins, I feel accomplished because I know that my daughter’s beautiful. You have to be beautiful to be able to do things.”

That should be the preface to a self-esteem book for girls.  Seriously.

:13 – Lexie’s mom takes her for spray tan. Probably the 50th time the five-year-old has gotten a spray tan. “I like to get tanned dark because I look like a princess,” Lexie declares.  Yes!  A princess from MTV’s Jersey Shore.

“Stand up and show daddy how you’re going to shake it,” says Lexie’s mom.   Nothing disturbing about that!  Nope, nothing disturbing at all.

:14 — We see that Lexie’s dad made her a “Barbie Box” — an actual box that Lexie will stand in while wearing her $375 Barbie-like bikini — for the Outfit of Choice competition. Nothing disturbing about that!  Nope, nothing disturbing at all.

:26 – DISASTER!  Carissa, 2, freezes at the pageant.  She runs off the stage.

This woman is unimpressed.

:30 –  It’s Zander’s turn.  “I don’t get nervous cuz all my fans and audience are watching me,” Zander tells us before going on stage.  He does a few stiff twirls, but doesn’t wow the crowd as expected.  His mom does not look pleased.

:33 – Pageant medical emergency!  Carissa has blisters.  Damn new shoes.  (Welcome to womanhood, kid.)

:34 – Zander is called to the stage again.  But he’s not ready…!  His mom walks off in search of his number, which he needs before going on stage.  They call him again, so he goes on stage.  His mom yells at him to go back.  A cloud of awkwardness hovers above the entire room.  In an aside,  judge says she feels bad for poor Zander.

Well, life IS hard for a pimp.

:36 –  Disaster strikes for Carissa again!  She pulls a Tara Reid, has a “wardrobe malfunction” in the middle of her performance.  The audience laughs nervously.

Nobody can believe it.  Her father swears!  Her grandma cringes!  Their family friend… takes a picture!

:42 – The moment has arrived:  Lexie unveils herself as “Barbie in a Box.”

This photo says it all, doesn’t it?

This is supposed to be Lexie’s moment to really shine, only — HORROR! — they mixed up the music!  Lexie’s mom is afraid she’s thrown off, so she helps her by doing the dance moves along with her right behind the judges. “Anything to help her win.”

Yeah, I’m sure THAT won’t throw her off at all.

:54 –They announce Best Dressed Boy.  It is not Zander.

This is the worst news Team Zander has heard since Hostess Twinkies went bankrupt.

Seriously?” Zander’s mom huffs.   “The other little boy stood on stage and did nothing!   I want to see scoresheets!”

:55 – Good news:  Zander wins Best Personality!  Or… maybe not-so-good news?   “I have no idea what the judges were thinking, giving Zander personality, because I didn’t see it,” Zander’s mom hisses.  “He always gets Best Dressed. I’m not understanding this.  I’m just not getting it!” she screeches, starting to really flip out.

:56 – Lexie’s mom says she will be upset if Lexie doesn’t win Supreme.  That’s the spirit!

:57 – Lexie’s mom is surprised she didn’t win Outfit of Choice because her “Barbie in a Box” outfit was clearly a, um, winner.  But she wins Supreme Girl, which is all that matters here — nay, all that matters in LIFE.

:58 – Zander wins Supreme Boy, which no doubt shocks the hell out of his Debbie Downer Mom.  Zander says he wants to win all pageants so he can go to “Hollywood City” one day.  With that pimp suit, he’ll fit right in on Hollywood and Vine.

:59 — Makayla comes out of nowhere to win the big title, High Point Supreme.  At least the other girls take it well:

See?  It’s all about just having fun.

More “Toddlers & Tiaras” recaps…

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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