Toddlers & Tiaras Play-by-Play: “Where’d My Ni-Ni Goooooo?!”

In the Season 3 premiere of Toddlers & Tiaras

:01 – The Le Maison de Paris (or, in proper French, La Maison) pageant director says we should expect to see lots of beautiful girls, beautiful faces, beautiful smiles.. and lots of happy little girls at the end of this pageant!

Clearly, she hasn’t met Makenzie yet.

:01 – Why is the Louisiana-based pageant called Le Maison de Paris?  The pageant director explains:  “So many people would like to see Paris… Louisiana, French, it goes together.  That is our native.   You know.  That is our, um, language… here.”

She had me at “that is our native.”

:02 – We meet 4-year-old Makenzie.  “I am a beauty queen,” she smiles, adding that she needs to be in pageants because “you get to dress in fancy clothes.”  Awwww.  What a sweet girl.  Then her tiara falls off.   Makenzie SCREEEEAAAMS.  Whoa.

:03 – “I do whatever I want to,” the little diva smirks as she huffs and puffs and bosses her mom around.   Somewhere, Tyra and Mariah are bowing down to this girl.  Her mom explains that she’s an only child.  OH!  OKAY!  No wonder.  Carry on then.

:04 – Six-year-old Daisy makes her show debut.   Her mom crows that all little girls like to get spray tans and glue five-foot eyelashes to their eyes.  And Daisy…?  She also likes to shake her booty to Hip-Hop like she’s a back-up dancer for Snoop Dogg.

:05 – Alex, 9, has been in more than 300 pageants.   Which, if she started competing the day she was born, equals about 33 pageants a year.   I’m happy to report Alex enjoys competing for all the right reasons:

Money, money, money.  “You did really good there. Look at that little hunk of money!” her mom compliments her, as they get nostalgic looking at this picture from a past pageant.   A real heart-tugger, for sure.   Alex even has jeans with her likeness painted on them, surrounded by dollar signs and the words, “Give me the dough!”  And people think pageants send the wrong message to kids.  Pishaw!

See?  Even Santa Claus approves this message.

:06 – Makenzie and her mom are going to the spa for “Diva Day.”  Makenzie realizes she forgot Ni-Ni.  “WHERE’S NI-NIIIIIIIIII?” Makenzie has a meltdown.  Oh no!  Not Ni-Ni!  Um… who’s Ni-Ni?  Her “paci,” explains her mom.  AH!  Um… what’s a “paci?”

Oh, dear lord.  The four-year-old still uses a PACIFIER?

We tried to take it away when she was three, says her mom, but she “felt so bad” that she gave it back to her.  This is also how kids end up living in their parents’ basement when they’re 35.

:13 – “Makenzie can be a handful, yes she can,” says her aunt/spa owner in the Understatement of the Century as Makenzie SCREEEEAAAMS that she doesn’t want a chocolate facial.  “Putting nails on Makenzie was like putting nails on a Tasmanian devil,” her aunt adds.

Yeah, I could see that.

:15 – Daisy’s mom, who bought a tanning machine just for pageants, doesn’t agree with sexualizing little girls and dolling them up.   But thinks Daisy’s attire is just fine.

Yes, very… natural-looking.

:18 – Makenzie, being cooperative as always, throws a tantrum as her mom tries to get her ready, sticks out her tongue at the camera crew.  “Whatever she wants to do, she kinda just goes with it,” Makenzie’s mom shrugs.  With that kind of parental iron fist, I’m surprised Makenzie gets away with so much.  *Ahem*

:19 – Daisy goes to pick up her “flipper,” which is a super-fancy term for dentures fake pageant teeth that “make your teeth more bigger,” according to Daisy.

:23 – All of the mothers admit they don’t know how to pronounce the pageant’s name or what it means.  (But I thought French was their “native”..?   You know, their um, language there…?)

:24 – “Makenzie is a little firecracker,” says the pageant director diplomatically, before giving us the inside scoop on the competition: “The toughest part will be Beauty.  We’re looking for facial beauty. It is a beauty pageant.”

That’s right:  FACIAL beauty.  Screw inner beauty, kids!

:33 – Despite her pre-pageant meltdown, Makenzie rocks it on-stage.

:33 – Daisy, whose fake teeth make her look like a smaller, prettier version of Gary Busey, gives us her humble impression of her own performance: “I went so slow and graceful… they just love what I did.”

:36 – “You are driving me nuts!” Makenzie SCREEEEAAAMS at her mom after dissing the costume her mom spent big money on and refusing to do anything her mom tells her.  This is followed by another SCREEEEAAAM.

:37 – Daisy drinks her third Red Bull, starts growling with her big teeth.  Apparently they should put a warning on the label.  WARNING:  Excessive Red Bull consumption by kids under the age of 10 may cause them to act like rabid dogs.

:43 – Makenzie PUSHES her mom to the ground as they try to get her ready to go on stage.  Screaming for her Ni-Ni. “Where’d my Ni-Ni gooooooooooooo?!”

Makenzie’s mom tries to go to her Happy Place.

:44 – “Your hair’s a mess,” says Alex’s mom, disgusted, after the hairdresser rushes the job.  Alex tries to brush it off (no pun intended), but her mom won’t let it go.  The hair is going to make her lose!  The hair is going to ruin her life!  Worst of all, IT MAKES HER FACE LOOK FAT!

:55 – In an aside to the camera, Alex confesses that she met Makenzie:  “She tried to bite me!”  Well, she should consider herself lucky that Daisy didn’t bite her with those Gary Busey chompers.

:56 – “Let money rain down,” declares a confident Daisy.  But, sadly, there is no cash shower for Daisy, who only wins Divisional Queen and Prettiest Hair.

:59 – None of the girls win the big title.  However, they can rest assured that THIS woman had an even worse day:

Behold the human toddler tiara dispenser!  That woman is so hating her life right now.

More “Toddlers & Tiaras” recaps…

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on Google+

About author View all posts Author's Website

Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

32 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Your synopsis is fantastic! I’ve always wanted to watch this show (in much the same way people can’t look away from an accident) but I can’t ever seem to catch it and I’m not interested enough to actually DVR it. I think your your coverage is much better than the actual show could possibly be, so thank you! When’s the next episode? 😉

  • If Ms. Priss is old enough to boss around her mother and out diva Elton John, she’s old enough to give up Ni-Ni.

    • I agree makenzie is adorable she is WAY better then the others plus she left the (ni-ni)? Behind i know she has her attitude but atleast we now she wont grow up to be a pussy like these other “girls? And she will fight for wat she wants so if ur gonna join these other people in judgeing LITTLE GIRLS first realize your DEAFECTS

  • I watched 15 minutes of this and that’s all I could handle. Mackenzie needed her little Ni-ni sucking rear end smacked. All these little girls parents are delusional.

  • Thanks, Cowgirl! I’ve decided to blog about the entire season, for better or for worse — and, knowing this crazy show, it will get even worse…

  • Great Re-cap. The whole thing was a site to behold, but that Makenzie was ….whoa. As much of a train wreck as this show is, I can not resist. And, every now and then, I am pleasantly surprised, like I was with Kinley from last season. A “normal” family and very happy little girl.

    • I totally loved Kinley, too. She seemed grounded. Many of these kids are over the top brats or a little too consumed by pageants. Kinley and her family were refreshing.

  • What is the song that was playing in the background when Daisy was at dance rehersal? words were something like “work it” or “workin” idk which

  • iTunes has this episode for free right now. Just so we can relive Makenzie and her rants anytime we want!!!

  • Oh man, I am so tired of these country a@@, insecure, no-business-being-mommas,mommas. Your child is not your toy. Sorry you are not attractive and want to live vicariously through your little girl. But enough already. It’s NOT Cute.

  • Both Mackenzie’s parents have abdicated all parental responsibility. The fact that “she is an only child” and “only 4” is no excuse for her outrageous behavior or for letting her do whatever she wants. She and her NiNi should be kept out of sight until she learns some manners.

  • France is their native. If you paid attention in history class then you’d know that after the French and Indian war they made the treaty declaring that England got the Ohio river valley lands and France got a major trade city in guess what- Louisiana. I guess pageant girls are just smarter because they don’t spend all day bashing people on innocent hobbies. I found this page looking for the le maison de paris website and was appalled with what you wrote. How dare you insult 4,6, and 9 year old girls. I’ve met many kids witha n attitude exactly like mackenzie’s and they Have never even heard of
    Pageants. Mackenzie, daisy, and Alex love the stage. You left out all the good parts of the episodes and mixed up peoples sentences so they would sound mean I can almost positively say you have never been to a real life pAgeant so you have never seen the happy little girls have fun and develop a life lasting relationship with their moms. And no I am not a pageant mon I am a glitz pageant girl with all the flippers and fake tans and hair and I am proud
    Of it!

    • I wish this was facebook so I could push the like button a million times 🙂 I couldnt have said it better myself!! glitz girls all the way!

    • YES because little girls know history. :/

      Also, it doesnt matter if its a glitz girl or a normal four yearold NO child should act that fucking stubborn and spoiled. My mother has had many children come through her day care.All different ‘natives’ and personality and after a few days she made sure to straighten those spoiled brats out. If not for her many of those kids would be bullies and stubborn bastards. I feel sorry for these glitz girls (being “pretty” doesnt mean you can act like a bitch).

  • These girls are not the epitome of all pageant girls. Some are actually intelligent, talented, and very nice. These shows give some pageants a bad name, and pageant mom’s a bad name…all for ratings.

    Please don’t believe the hype. These little girls are extreme. Look closely at the little girls in the background of these shows, and you will see the real pageant girls.

    I’m not in favor of corporal punishment, but if I had a child like McKenzie, I’d have to take her out to the woodshed. Her mum should have a better handle on that little demon child.

    • I think the mom and dad need to be taken to the woodshed. They created this monster. Imagine what she is going to be like when whe gets older. Horrible, horrible little girl. Shame on the parents.

  • MacKenzie is the first child I have ever seen and thought, “wow.. she NEEDS to be put down”….. her mother is obviously high in this last episode… I would love to see this show, SuperNanny, and Intervention have an all-in-one. My seven year old stopped playing to watch this with me, and was appauled… And Pageantgirl… Im happy that you know history, and Im not sure how old you are, but I am disappointed that as mature as you may seem you are not too aware of the fact that 1.) This Glitz stuff is not innocent : you are putting yourself out there for sexual predators, be it the judges, other parents, or people who watch shows like this one. IT IS NEVER NORMAL FOR A LITTLE GIRL TO BE SEXUALIZED. Your mothers are brain washing you, and I wish social services could step in and remove all children whos parents do this to them, teach them its okay and to like it, and set you all up for failure in your lives by feeding you lies instead of a strong moral base.

  • The harm done to these children is so deep…not the best doctors we have will be able to repair them for society.

    These children look better before their moms pour make up and false hair on them….

  • Candy, your recaps are fantastic! Sign me up…I’m a fan. Why if this was facebook, I’d push the like button a million times and click my flipper three times, saying “there’s no place like glitz…there’s no place like glitz…there’s no place..” ; )

  • I do not understand why these people think big hair and fake tans are attractive on anyone. If you are into “beauty” look at any fashion magazine and you will see just the opposite. Supermodels do not have phony hair and tans. These poor little girls look like miniature drag queens.
    I feel sorry for them. Their mothers should be investigated by social services. The damage they are doing is horrendous.

  • I would have Mckenzie go up on stage with the pacifer in her mouth. After the show, I’d drop all those pacifiers in the first bottemless I could find. She’s four her pacifier days are gone.I’m 60 now and if I had spoken that way to my mother, I’d be picking up my teeth for a month. These moms are unbelievable.

    • Amen Trussia!! With doormat moms like Makenzie’s, these girls are in for a big wake up call in later life! I’m so tired of the youth of today having NO respect for their elders, and enraged that these namby pamby parents allow it!!

  • talking shit about thei poor little kids is the most stupid thing i eber see this little girls are puppets of HORRIBLE MOTHERS WITHOUT A LIFE if you gonna shit and stuff then focus on the paggeant mothers that are CRAZY 1 because they trowing money in the trash in this events 2 some of this women force the kids and 3 i wacht this programs and some kids at the end feel sad and frustrated because they dont won or the mother put a ugly face because they dont do enougth to make her happy and proud is crazy how this pageant mothers think that make they kids feel miserable will help the self steem of the kid in personal opinion kids are just kids and they act like that because THEY ARE KIDS THE ADULT WOMEN WHO IN THIS CASE LOOK LIKE A FAIL MOTHERS ARE THE CRAZY ONES HERE SO AGAIN IF YOU GONNA TALK SHIT THEN MAKE A REVIEW ABOUT THE MOTHERS NOT THE KIDS THEY ARE INOCCENT AND USE IN THIS EVENTS. i love the girl with the “ni-ni” she is adorable

  • Juliet8810, you should really learn how to spell and perhaps talk correctly before you make any more ridiculous comments on this or any other sights, and I agree, it’s the parents who are ultimately responsible for the actions of a small child, but I would be popping her little butt everyone she opened her mouth!! And as for “glitz girls” if you are over 18 and want to “sell” yourself as a sex idol, knock yourself out but to do that to a child is nothing short of child abuse

    • i bet your are one of this fat ass crazy pageant mothers who exploited a kid. I cant believe that in some mothers are correct to put make up and short dresses and whore kind bikinis to little girls is something aceptable.I can learn how to write but you are pathetic to think and found this kind a child abuse acceptable. That is sick and again this pageants are for crazy people who waste money in this shit i will NEVER dress my daughter like a mini whore or put make up all over her face like this FAT CUNT mothers do in this program. If that is acceptable parenting i cant even imagine what is considered wrong.Who ever who write this stupid article is a low life idiot. And you dear go and FUCK UR SELF. bye bye

      • Seriously juliet8810, please learn how to spell and use grammar correctly. Your point would be much more effective and you wouldn’t need to resort to cursing and name calling. Doing that takes you down to the level of a petulant four year old child throwing a temper tantrum. I don’t disagree with your perception of this show, in fact I wholeheartedly agree with you. However, with your serious lack of class, you sound like a ridiculous idiot.

  • a four year old and a pacifier, very cute, my daughter is 4 although she doesn’t used the pacifier she drinks her milk on a feeding bottle, and even at school she has her milk with her,

  • Mackenzies mom needs some mental help for her self and this monster of a kid she created, theres nothing cute or funny about a kid going on 7 still sucking a pacifier called Ni Ni what the hell.