‘Panda Porn’ to Boost Males’ Sex Drive, Keep Them Entertained While Wives Away on Business

"Not now, hon. 'Real Housewives of Tibet' is on!"

Pandas are livin’ the dream:  spending up to 16 hours a day eating, eight hours a day sleeping, and almost zero hours moving.

Sounds like my college years.

Without the help of Viagra or beer goggles, however, most male pandas in captivity would rather lie around and chew bamboo than stand up and get it on. And who can blame them, really?  Sex, like, takes work!

“The mating time is generally not so long.  Sometimes several minutes.  The shortest may be 30 seconds,” said Zhang Zhihe, director of Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding in China. “If they don’t like the female’s personality or the females don’t like the male’s personality, they won’t mate. That’s the biggest reason why in captivity the mating is difficult.”

Thirty seconds to several minutes…?  Perhaps pandas and humans aren’t so different, after all.  (Just kidding, honey!)

Pandas are known to be isolated creatures and poor breeders, and in captivity the problem may be exacerbated.  Zhihe and his team have tried a number of measures to try to cure the male panda of his woefully low libido — including showing videos of fellow pandas making love.

Yes, that’s right — PANDA PORN!

In the privacy of their own cages, captive male pandas watch the sights and sounds of love-making on TV.  And, of course, the hope is that they’ll be aroused and want to mate (and won’t simply, um, honk their own horn, if you know what I mean — and, unfortunately, I think that you do).

“We’re sure the sound of the video will stimulate the panda and the males’ interest,” Zhihe said.

Along with watching porn, pandas are doing “sexercises,” or specialized exercises to strengthen the males’ hind legs and increase their stamina.  Scientists have found that the combination of porn, exercises, and the occasional ménage à trois — I guess Pandas really DO like to swing, and not just from trees — to get young male pandas curious about sex have proved successful.

Zhihe says that more than 60 percent of his pandas are now capable of having sex on their own — up from just 25 percent twenty years ago. This “boost” is surely due to high-quality videos such as Bearly Legal 12:  Spring Break Shanghai and Divine Secrets of Ya-Ya the Panda and Her Naughty Sisterhood.