The Top 20 Most “Quirky” Celebrity Baby Names

20.  Kal-El

Son of:  Nicolas Cage

A, um, enthusiast of comic books, Nic bestowed his son with Superman’s Kryptonian name.  Thank goodness Nic didn’t go with Superman’s everyday name, Clark.  Now that would be have been just crazy.

19.  Jermajesty

Son of: Jermaine Jackson

Sounds more like the name of a failed hip-hop album than a child.

P.S. — “Jerm” for short?

18.  Fifi Trixibelle

Daughter of: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates

The Irish singer and songwriter Geldof named his daughter Fifi after his aunt, and his wife was fascinated with the lifestyles of southern belles, hence the last part.  None of which explains Trixi… although I am sensing a strong canine motif.

17.  Apple Blythe Alison

Daughter of:  Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin

As Gwyneth explained on Oprah:

“Right, well, um, basically it was because when we were first pregnant, her daddy said, if it’s, basically one day he just said if it’s a girl I think her name should be Apple. And I just, it sounded so sweet, and it conjures such a lovely picture for me, you know apples are so sweet and they’re wholesome, and it’s biblical and it’s just, they’re so, and I just thought it sounded so lovely and …”

Translation:  Trust us, the name sounds MUCH cuter after a few bottles of wine.

16.  Ptolemy John

Son of:  Gretchen Mol

There’s nothing at ALL pretentious about picking the unpronounceable name of an ancient Greek scientist.

Yup, time to go by your middle name, kid.

Speaking of “kid”…

15.  Kyd Miller

Son of:  David Duchovny and Tea Leoni

One word:  Sylly.

14. Seargeoh Cope and Sage Moonblood

Sons of: Sylvester Stallone

Thankfully, their father has plenty of money to cover the years of therapy bills.

13.  Zuma Nesta Rock

Son of:  Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale

Sure, “Zuma” is the name of a beach in a Malibu.  That’s nice.  But it’s also a computer game with deadly stone frogs.  And the diminutive form of a term for a bad gastrointestinal condition. And, for anyone who remembers the early ’90s, a much-mocked malt beverage. No, wait:  that was Zima.

12.  Bronx Mowgli

Son of:  Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson

Presumably named after the place of conception and The Jungle Book character, I’m thinking of following the same naming formula with MY next kid:  Malibu Baloo.

11.  Memphis Eve

Daughter of:  Bono

“‘Twas the night before Memphis…”

10. Princess Tiaamii

Daughter of:  Katie “Jordan” Price

Someday this little girl will realize she is not in fact a princess, and all the extra vowels in the world won’t be able to cushion the blow.  (Maybe she can lend one of her “i”s to Kyd Duchovny.)

9. King Justice

Son of:  Jaceon (The Game) Taylor

Certain celebrities have taken the idea of show biz royalty way too literally. Now King Justice Taylor can lord it over Princes Michael Jackson I and II, Princess Tiaamii Andre, Barron Trump, Duke Keaton and Count and Countess Bonaduce, whenever he decrees a regal play date.

8. Rebel, Racer, Rocket and Rogue

Sons of:  Robert Rodriguez

Really, Robert…?  Ridiculous.

7. Blue Angel

Daughter of:  The Edge (From U2)

See also:  Good names for lounges in New Orleans.

6. Audio Science

Son of: Actress Shannyn Sossamon

Although Shannyn Sossamon barely qualifies as a celebrity, she forces her way onto this list with this truly bizarre name.

We learn with this entry that the only thing sadder than a pretentious baby name is a failed attempt at a pretentious baby name that ends up sounding like the name of a class at a Vo-Tech school.

5. Moon Unit and Diva Thin Muffin

Children of:  Frank Zappa

This is only a sampling of Frank’s famously strange name choices for his children (he named his other kids Dweezil and Ahmet); however, I MUST ask… “Thin Muffin”:  Isn’t that an oxymoron?

4. Pirate Houseman

Son of:  Korn frontman Jonathan Davis and porn-star wife Deven

There’s probably no better way to guarantee that your child become an accountant than to name him “Pirate.”

3. Moxie Crimefighter

Daughter of:  Penn Jillette

Apparently, Jillette’s wife had no middle name, and their theory was that you never use the middle name, anyway, so why not have some fun with it?  Also, the child will need moxie with that kind of f*cked up middle name, so… there you go.

2. Tu Morrow

Son of:  Rob Morrow (from the TV show Numb3rs)

This name HAS to be the product of too many pre-conception pitchers of margaritas.

1. Pilot Inspektor

Son of:  Jason Lee

Why “Pilot?” Because he heard a song by the band Grandaddy (called “He’s Simple, He’s Dumb, He’s the Pilot”).   Why “Inspektor”?  Well, what ELSE would you pair with “Pilot”?  Duh.

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Candy

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur.

For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

9 CommentsLeave a comment

  • The term “blue angel” has always been the definition of what happens when someone lights a fart with their lighter. I’m guessing The Edge wasn’t aware of this. LOL

  • I’m surprised that none of the offspring of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore appear here. Rumer (technically, it’s a French name and should be pronounced “ru-MERE” or similar, but her parents pronounce it as in “gossip that may not be true”), Scout, and Tallulah.

    And where are Moonunit One Zappa and her brother, Dweezil?

    I don’t actually think Apple is all that bad. It’s no worse than Olive or Hazel when you consider it. I’m just surprised that Apple (the computer corporation) hasn’t sued over it yet.

  • Oh, duh. I have no clue how I missed the Zappa reference to Dweezil. I read it, honestly. I’m blaming the tequila (that is, I haven’t had any yet).

  • Gwyneth Paltrow is just too big spacey. I don’t like her pseudo British accent either. And WTF increased with Apple and Moses?

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