You Might Be a Mother If…

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Since becoming a mama three months ago, I’ve found myself doing some rather peculiar things.  Things that would’ve made pre-baby Candy stop and say, “Huh?!”  Things that, I realized, only a mom would do.

So I’ve jotted down a few of them — that is, the ones my fried mommy brain can actually remember — to create this list titled, YOU MIGHT BE A (NEW) MOTHER IF…

10.  You refuse to flush the toilet in fear it will wake the napping baby.

9.  You’ve oinked to the point of losing your voice (upon discovering that your oinking makes the baby laugh).

8.  You tell the manicurist that she should not, under ANY circumstances, cut or file your right pinky nail because you use it to pick your child’s boogers.

7.  You no longer communicate directly with your husband, but rather, passive-aggressively through your baby:  “Your daddy forgot to take out the trash, didn’t he?  Oh yes, he did!” (cooed to the baby in a singsongy voice while said husband is sitting right next to you and rolling his eyes).

6.  You suddenly find farts funny and endearing.

5.  You say, “Aw, man, do we have to…?” when your husband asks you out on a date.

4.  You can pick ice cream sandwich crumbs off the floor with your toes.

3.   You’ve bought ponytail holders in bulk.

2.  You have no qualms eating a Zone Bar with baby poop on your hands.

1.  You regularly (and inexplicably) break into song.  In fact, you can make just about ANYTHING a song:  “We’re off to go to Starbucks, the most wonderful latte makers of all.  Because, because, because, because, becaaaaauuuuuse…. of all the wonderful lattes they make!”

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur. For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

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9 Comments

  1. Sarah

    November 10, 2009 at 7:32 am

    lmao I am sooo guilty of #10. And #1 and 3… oh screw it I’m guilty of all of them and I’m not a new mom, Boogie’s 19 months old :) It’s only going to be worse when #2 gets here. Thanks for the early morning laugh Candy.

  2. Deeva

    November 10, 2009 at 11:50 am

    All so true. I also clean myself with baby wipes when I don’t have time for a shower.

  3. Cowgirl in the Sand

    November 10, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    I’m SO guilty of #7! And I could really help you out with #1. I used to sing in a chorale at Starbucks (I worked at HQ before baby #1) and we have such wonderful holiday favorites as “I’m Dreaming of a Tall Latte” and “Starbucks Vanilla Latte” (to the tune of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”).

    Another thing I do (as a result of being a mom to a toddler) is announce what I’m doing all the time, loudly and cheerfully. And in the third person. “Mommy’s going potty!”

    I also (loudly and cheerfully) label the things around us, “Look! A school bus!” “That man is sitting on a bench!” Even when I’m not with my toddler.

    • Jenny

      March 19, 2010 at 8:15 pm

      I know I’m a little late here, but your comment made me literally laugh out loud because I do those same things! Thank you!

  4. Jenn F.

    November 28, 2009 at 6:07 pm

    Oh geez… I do #7 with my dog instead of a baby!!!

  5. Citizen Sourpuss

    March 24, 2010 at 1:02 am

    You’ve been following me, haven’t you? How else would you know that Starbucks + Wizard of Oz go together?

    This mutates once they’re in preschool, and watch cartoons all day long. Then the spontaneous song break outs become piecemeal medleys of theme songs to the crap the little buggers watch on TV.

    “Dora Dora Dora the Explorer! Diego! Go Diego Go! Wonderpets! Wonderpets! We’re on our way to Clifford the big red dog…”

    This may or may not occur in places like the produce department while squeezing mangoes/lineups at the bank and as you garden.

  6. Kena Locastro

    August 10, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    Great stuff – Many thanks for posting that advice, I think that it essentially answers my question.

  7. candice

    July 17, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    the part where you talk to your husband through your baby made me lugh!! your hilariously true!

  8. Terri Lynn

    April 10, 2012 at 11:34 am

    I published a book in 1999 entitled, “You might be a mother if…its just one damp thing after another!” you may want to check the copyright. Mike Trout with Focus on The Family Acknowledged it.

    Thank you

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