Halloween Reflections

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From Halloweens past

When I was a kid, waaaaaay back in the olden days when The New Kids on the Block really were new, Halloween was a holiday when kids were, you know, actually expected to have FUN.  Now maybe this was my impression because I was just a youngin’ and didn’t read all the menacing warnings in the newspaper.  Yes!  We had newspapers back then!  However, I don’t remember the media going so bat-shit crazy about Halloween then as they do today.  I apologize for using such fancy-schmancy journalism terminology, but they are…!  Bat-shit crazy, that is.

If we’re to follow the media’s warnings, our children shouldn’t touch the Halloween candy, eat the Halloween candy or so much as THINK about Halloween candy, or else they will end up obese, cavity-ridden and, most likely, dead from just looking at a pack of Smarties.  In fact, if your child makes the fatal decision to fill up his or her Trick-or-Treat bag with goodies — IDIOT! — a dentist has offered to actually BUY BACK the candy to keep children from consuming Halloween sweets and winding up with cavities.  She calls her campaign “Cash for Candy” and plans pay a dollar for each pound of sugary goodies kids are willing to turn in to her.

If kids are smart, they’ll take her up on the offer and use the money to buy half-priced Halloween candy at Rite-Aid the day after.  That way, they can get the candy they really want, and not those lame-ass Dum Dum Pops.

The only Halloween warning I can recall getting drilled into my young head was:

DO NOT EAT THE APPLES!  I REPEAT, DO NOT EAT THE APPLES BECAUSE THEY HAVE RAZOR BLADES IN THEM!  APPLE = SEVERED TONGUE!

This is why I make Mr. Candy take the first bite of all of my apples.

Okay, so we were also advised to skip the “Haunted House” tour in our neighbor man’s unmarked van.  But other than that, we were allowed — nay, encouraged – to go to town.  Gorge yourself on those snack-sized Kit Kats!  Suck on those SweeTarts!  Go ahead and run into the walls on your sugar high — it’s all in good fun!   And the next morning, Mom would be waiting with a shot of Pepto, Tylenol and a toothbrush full of Crest.

Those were the days, my friends.

As for THIS Halloween, Mr. Candy, Miss Skye and I are getting dressed up and going to a local carnival, then Trick-or-Treating with my little cousins.  We get to eat Skye’s candy, obviously, so fingers crossed we’re light on the Dum Dums.  I wisely decided to wait until the last minute to try on the costume I’d bought on the Internet, only to discover today that it’s about as flattering as a belted trash bag.  SO… I need to figure something out.  Quickly.  A Halloween update to follow on Monday, of course.

Hope you all have a fun, safe and SUGAR-FILLED Halloween!

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Candy

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur.

For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

5 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Happy Halloween Everyone !!! I’m gearing up for devouring bags of Kit Kats, Snickers and whatever else I pick up at the Walmart today –for the children, of course (Ha!) And no lame-o hard candy crap. Chocolate only, People !! Don’t be cheap on Halloween !

  • I agree, the media has gotten out of control. They know scare tactics sell. But nothing has changed, parents just need to be smart and encourage moderation, ha ha!!

    Have a fun and spooky HAlloween guys!!

  • I love Matty! He’s such a big chubby puffball.

    I made a point of buying candy that I’m NOT interested in eating this year… and it was the best idea I’ve had in ages. This is because I usually eat more than I pass out the door. This year I just went over to my neighbour’s and ate two little chocolates with my glass of wine.

    I too remember the razorblade in the apples warnings. Other than that, it was feast-o-rama.

    Happy Hallowe’en everyone!!!

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