With Mr. Candy
Today’s Column: Parental Evolution
All things, with the exception of my hairstyle, must evolve to survive. So while my own hair may be indisputable proof of creationism (I’ll present the evidence and let you decide) . . .
. . . I still went on my own personal expedition to look for proof of “parental” evolution. Yes, like Charles Darwin before me with his turtles, I decided to study the species novus homo hominis parentes or, as more commonly known, new parents.
I studied how under the same stimuli, the reaction of these intriguing creatures changed over time. My findings were fascinating. So I decided to publish my work in the most esteemed academic journal that I know, The Laughing Stork. Thus, I offer up my findings for peer review.
|Situation||1st Month||2nd Month|
|Baby starts to cry in the evening. . .||“Aw poor thing, I will go get her now.”||“Oh no! Donny Osmond’s dance is about to start… just give me 5 minutes. I think she needs to learn how to self-soothe anyway.” [Turns up volume on TV]*|
|Baby is quietly sleeping. . .||“Let me go check on her again to make sure everything is OK.”||Zzzzzzzzz.|
|8pm in the evening . . .||“Bath time! My turn to give her a bath.”||“Didn’t she have a bath last week? I don’t remember her getting very dirty today.”|
|Baby’s diaper is dirty. . .||“You know I really don’t mind changing a dirty diaper when it is MY baby.”||[Touching nose] “Not it!”|
|Baby’s laundry is full. . .||“Time to do the laundry. Now where is that Dreft?”||“Wait a second, isn’t this thing reversible?”|
|Pacifier falls on the floor. . .||“Ooopsie, guess we need to go sterilize it again.”||[Looks closely, picks off a cat hair] “Looks clean to me.”|
|Baby’s bed time. . .||“Good night Skylar, I love you.”||“Good night Skylar, I love you.”|
I guess some things, like my hair, will never change.
*Ed. note: Please keep in mind this is MR. Candy’s perspective. I would only make the baby wait if it were Gilles Marini dancing.