Baby Math with Mr. Candy: In Deep Doo-Doo

Baby Math with Mr. Candy:  In Deep Doo-Doo

I remember going shopping for Skylar before she was born.  Candy picked out a giant box of diapers.  As I was putting it into the shopping cart, she grabbed another giant box without hesitation. In disbelief, I exclaimed, “How much do you think this little girl is going to poop?!?!”  The dad next to me shook his head and said, “More than you can imagine, more than you can imagine.”

Two months into life with Skylar (and now regularly buying diapers wholesale), I finally know what he meant.  I mean, Holy Crap Batman, that little girl goes through 8-10 diapers a day!

That’s right.  8-10 diapers a day.

That may be no surprise for the seasoned parents out there, but it was eye-opening for me, to say the least.  It got me thinking, how many total diapers am I going to have to change and how much of my life will be spent changing diapers?  So, being the numbers enthusiast that I am, I did a little math so you don’t have to. . .

Let’s assume the following:

  • 9 diapers a day
  • Of those diapers, they have the following mix of surprise goodies for Daddy:

  • Each “goodie” takes the following amount of time to eradicate (also known as transitioning from the moment of “What is that smell?” to “There you are back in your swing with a nice clean diaper.”)

  • Let’s also assume Skylar doesn’t get fully potty trained until she is 2.5 years old, which would be a minor miracle given we can’t get our cat Matty to use the litter box and he is 49 years old in cat years.  (I know what you are thinking and don’t even go there.)

That means I will be spending 24,654 minutes, or 411 hours, or 17 days, doing nothing but changing diapers. That’s right: 17 days of diaper-changing. Shocking, I know.

This got me wondering what I could have done with all that time. . .

Top 5 Things Mr. Candy Could Be Doing Instead of Changing Diapers

5. Earn $6,165. . . According to this guy named Nick who e-mailed me yesterday, I can earn $15 an hour by just surfing the Web at home. Amazing!  With those 411 hours I could have helped pay for college.

4.  Learn Spanish. . . Yo necesitar algo mas Baby Wipes! (See? I need Spanish lessons).  Heck, according to this Web site, I can learn a language in 110 hours.  Bring on Mandarin and Punjabi too!

3. Train for the marathon . . . Yup, that is the only reason I am not running the marathon, too busy changing diapers.  That’s the ticket! According to this, I can do the marathon in 435 miles of training runs. Even with my 20-minute miles, I could do it.

2. Take a cruise . . . Instead of cleaning up after Skylar, we could be swabbing the deck on a 17-day cruise of the Mediterranean through Italy and Greece.

And the number one thing Mr. Candy would rather do than change Skylar’s diapers:

1.  Absolutely nothing . . . I am looking forward to spending each and every one of those 1,479,240 seconds with Skylar wiping the cutest little butt in the world!

(Ed. note:  EACH and EVERY one…?  Hmmmm.)

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Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

4 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Don’t worry Mr. Candy…it gets better. My son (who is almost 2) has been down to 4 diapers per day for several months. Although my daughter is two days younger than Skye, so we are also up to our ears in little tiny baby diapers!

  • 17 days?? We’ll get our payback when our kids have to change ~our~ diapers in our old age, lol!!

  • At least you didn’t have twins… and since you haven’t gotten to solid food yet (I’m guessing), consider yourself lucky that only 5% of them have been laws-of-physics-breaking…

    The beauty is you will get to enjoy the myriad of colors that can come out of that little hole based on the various foods that you feed her.

    Life is like an infant on baby food… you never know what you’re gonna get!