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The Laughing Stork

Candy's Column

Dirty Talk

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CANDY: Hey, hon?  [WAITS, THEN:] HEY, HONEY!

MR. CANDY: [WATCHING BABY IN THE NEXT ROOM] …Yeah?!

CANDY: Does she still have that booger?

MR. CANDY: Huh?

CANDY: The big BOOGER you saw earlier!  Does she still have it?

MR. CANDY: I… don’t see it anymore.

CANDY: So I can’t get it with my pinky nail?

MR:  CANDY: Uh-uh.  Waaaay up there.  Maybe suck it out later?

CANDY: Darn.  [BEAT] This is what it’s come to, huh?

MR. CANDY: Yeah.  Sexy.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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